


serotonin

by parkified



Category: bts, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Drug Addiction, M/M, Mentions of Rape, basically this fic is dark, jikook angst, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-06-25 16:23:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15644475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parkified/pseuds/parkified
Summary: in his first years of college, working a part time job while studying full time, jungkook reunites with jimin at a chicken shop and they quickly fall for each other. the twist is that jimin has a severe dependency to drugs, a disturbing tie to his childhood friend taehyung, and painful secrets that threaten their relationship.





	1. pt. i ; introduction

THIS STORY WAS INSPIRED BY THE SONG ['BLOODSTREAM' BY ED SHEERAN](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XIJHg1XWR7o). PLEASE LISTEN BEFORE OR WHILE READING. AND TO BE HONEST, YOU CAN SKIP THIS AND GO PT. II IF YOU DON'T CARE FOR INTRODUCTIONS.

**A/N: TRIGGER WARNING; DRUG USE, ABUSE, MENTIONS OF RAPE, CHARACTER DEATH**

 

 

**pt. i ; introduction**

 

 

 

 

 

_3 years earlier_

 

“Kimchi stew with rice!” he yelled, making sure the cooks in the back knew. Jungkook was working overtime at the restaurant down the street of his tiny, one room apartment. It was a part-time job that kept him floating above water. When he wasn't in school or studying, he worked as a waiter.

 

Around noon time there was a lull in business and all the employees were able to relax a bit. It was a particularly cool day, so most of the customers chose to sit at the tables outside the restaurant.

 

“Jungkook, new customers at table three,” his manager, Namjoon, told him.

 

Jungkook nodded, grabbing two menus and heading outside. He went to Table 3, which was right next to the front door.

 

“Hello, thank you for coming today. My name is Jungkook and I will be your server for today. I'll give you a moment to look at the menu,” he recited without much thought.

 

The customers received their menus, and opened them up.

 

“Would you like any drinks?” Jungkook asked.

 

“Cola, please,” one of them said in a surprisingly deep voice. He had wispy pink hair, and wore thin black lenses.

 

“And for you sir?” Jungkook asked the boy across from him. He wore a black hoodie pulled up and covering his silver/lilac hair.

 

“I’ll have a water, please,” he said, voice higher pitched than his lunch date. Jungkook nodded as he pulled out a carton of cigarettes from his pocket.

 

“I'll be right back with your drinks,” he smiled, walking away.

 

_Who smokes on a lunch date? How gross is that._

 

Namjoon gave him a curious glance when he came back into the restaurant.

 

“Cola and water,” he told him. “Also, is it okay if they smoke here?”

 

Namjoon shrugged, handing Jungkook two cups. “They're outside. We can't do anything.”

 

When Jungkook returned with their drinks, the boy with the hoodie had reached the butt of his cigarette.

 

“Cola and water,” he said in his overused cheerful tone. “Are you ready to order?”

 

“Yes,” the boy with the pink hair said. “I'll have the wings.”

 

“Wings, of course,” Jungkook nodded. “And you sir?”

 

He threw his cigarette on the ground and crushed it, the last remaining bit of smoke leaving through his nose.

 

“Yeah, I'll have the wings too.”

 

“Of course,” Jungkook nodded, taking their menus. He had never felt so intimidated before. And the boy looked close to his age too. “I'll be back with your meals in about ten minutes.”

 

He returned the order to the cooks and waited by the counter.

 

“He seems so familiar,” Jungkook told his manager. They both stared at the boys through the glass walls of the restaurant.

 

“Who, cigarette guy?” Namjoon asked. “You know someone like that?”

 

“I didn't get to see his face,” Jungkook sighed. “He never looks up. I only saw the one with the pink hair.”

 

“Where do you think they work?” Namjoon laughed. They always made a game of guessing where their customers worked if they looked funny.

 

“Some tattoo or piercing shop,” Jungkook smiled, receiving a nudge from Namjoon. He really wanted to know, though.

 

“Two orders of wings,” one of the cooks called.

 

Jungkook grabbed the meals and headed back outside.

 

“Two orders of wings,” he said cheerfully and set them down on the table.

 

“Thank you,” the boy with the pink hair said.

 

“No problem,” Jungkook smiled. As he handed the plate to the boy in the hoodie, they're hands touched as he accepted the dish. Jungkook looked at him and he looked up.

 

“Ji… ji,” Jungkook stuttered. He shook his head, “I'm sorry, I must be mistaken. If you need anything, you can press the buzzer. Have a good meal.”

 

He quickly walked back into the restaurant, trying not to look back.

 

“Hyung, are they looking at me?” Jungkook whispered to Namjoon.

 

“Did you mess up their order? They ordered the same thing, didn't they?”

 

“No, just look!”

 

Namjoon looked outside the glass walls.

 

“The creepy one is looking,” Namjoon whispered. “He just smiled and then looked back at pink hair guy.”

 

Jungkook sighed. “I wasn't mistaken. That's Jimin. Park Jimin, from high school.”

 

“You went to highschool with that guy?”

 

“Briefly,” Jungkook sighed. “He was a senior when I was a freshman.”

 

**an: korean high school is only three years**

 

“I wonder what he’s doing in Seoul,” Namjoon pondered.

 

“If that's Jimin then pink hair guy must be Kim Taehyung,” Jungkook realized. “Taehyung was his best friend.”

 

“How do you know them if they were seniors?” Namjoon asked.

 

Jungkook blushed, scratching the back of his head. “I saw them around. They were popular.”

 

Lie. He was obsessed with Jimin. Ever since he saw him perform at the school talent show. His dance, his charisma, his body. He would have given everything to be his.

 

Jungkook was surprised Jimin left Busan. Then again Seoul is where everyone goes to chase their dreams.

 

“Alright back to work,” Namjoon told him. “It's almost lunch time.”

  
  


Right at sunset, Jungkook left his overtime shift and decided it was time to go home and study before midterms. He said goodbye to his coworkers and headed down the street.

 

“Have a good day!” he mumbled to himself, trying to remember his English notes.

 

He kept practicing all the way home, only stopping when he spotted a man walking towards him on the street. There was plenty of room for the man to move to the side but he didn't. Cigarette smoke blew from his mouth as he approached Jungkook. Then he stopped.

 

“Jeon Jungkook,” he said. It was Jimin.

 

“P-Park Jimin….ssi” Jungkook bowed to him, not really knowing what else to do with his body. After fantasizing about it as a teenager he was finally talking to Park Jimin.

 

“I knew that was you at the restaurant,” he half-smiled. Jungkook smelled something weird… something off. It wasn't alcohol.

 

“I recognized you too,” Jungkook smiled.

 

_Still short I see_ , he thought to himself. _But still so attractive._

 

“Yeah, I saw that,” he chuckled, taking another huff of his cigarette. That's when Jungkook noticed how crinkly and misshapen it was. That wasn't an ordinary cigarette.

 

“Marijuana?” Jungkook blurted out. He was immediately appalled by himself, saying that word outloud.

 

“Oh god, I'm sorry!” he said. “I don't, I don't _care_ I just happened to notice it and--”

 

“This?” Jimin smiled. “It’s a blunt. Do you want some?”

 

Jungkook could see his highschool self nodding vigorously, willing to share anything with Jimin. But college Jungkook knew the risks (his job) and didn't exactly feel like polluting his body.

 

“I’m okay. Thank you, though,” he shrugged. He had never encountered illegal substances in real life, kind of figured it was just an American thing. But here his high school obsession crush was, casually getting high on a public street.

 

Jimin was still just as perfect as he remembered. Pale, thin, soft hair. His cheeks still chubby and his eyes still squished together when he smiles. He wondered why he was here and where he was going.

 

“Still a goody two shoes?” Jimin winked, blowing out a huff of smoke.

 

“You really remember me?” Jungkook blushed. He was amazed at how easily old feelings could return.

 

“How could I forget? You were in love with me.”

 

“Huh?!” Jungkook choked. Had he really been that obvious?

 

“You followed me around every day, switched over to my lunch period, wrote poems about me. I teased you so much that year.”

 

_Poems? How did he know about the poems?_

 

“That was private,” Jungkook managed to say. “I-I didn't know you knew about that. I didn't know you knew I was…into guys.”

 

“I made up the poems part.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Jimin laughed, smoke following it. He put out his blunt, smoothing it out with his foot.

 

“Who wouldn’t have known you liked me,” Jimin smiled, his eyes squinting in a way that always made Jungkook’s stomach squirm. He felt like a high schooler again, all hormonal over the older boy.

 

“I don't think Taehyung approved then.”

 

They started walking slowly down the street together.

 

“Taehyung?” Jungkook repeated. “Why wouldn't he-- _Oh_. You and him, really?”

 

Jimin nodded, shrugging his shoulders. “We were friends with benefits but senior year it got kind of serious. I'm surprised he didn't recognize you right away today. That was him with the pink hair.”

 

Jungkook was so taken back he couldn't speak. He had no idea they were together. He’d always thought Jimin was a lost cause, sexual allegiance pledged to the female population. Knowing that he wasn't filled his heart with so much happiness.

 

“I recognized him,” Jungkook told him. “Are you two still….”

 

“Oh, no no no. That ended after graduation. I only see him for, well, that stuff I was just using.”

 

“Ah,” Jungkook nodded. Taehyung went from boyfriend to drug dealer. Interesting.

 

“How’d you end up here anyways?” Jimin asked.

 

It was still weird for Jungkook to be having a full on conversation with Jimin.

 

“I go to Kyunghee. Work part time, study full time. What about you?”

 

“Impressive,” Jimin nodded. “I don't do much of anything. Buying, selling, that sort of thing.”

 

“You mean, things like what you were just using?”

 

They turned a corner onto Jungkook's street.

 

“Something like that,” Jimin smiled shyly. Jungkook had never seen him act bashful before; he normally exudes so much confidence.

 

“Oh,” Jungkook murmured. “I hope you're still dancing. You're very talented.”

 

“Can I ask you something?” Jimin asked him suddenly.

 

“Yes, of course!” Jungkook said, looking at Jimin. The older boy bit his lip, a smile pulling on his face.

 

“Do you still like me?”

 

Jungkook’s heart raced, completely taken for words.

 

“I, um, I--”

 

“Like, seeing me now, are you happy?”

 

“Of course! I’m so happy to see you!” He giggled nervously. How could he admit to Jimin that he still wanted to be cornered by him, pinned against a wall with nowhere to escape.

 

“I'm glad,” Jimin told him.

 

_Is he still teasing me after all these years?_ Jungkook wondered. _Am I falling into his trap once again?_

 

“I'm happy to see you too,” Jimin admitted. “I hope I see you around more.”

 

_No!_ Jungkook thought. _Please don't leave._

 

“I-I can give you my number.”

 

Jimin’s eyes widened, completely taken back by Jungkook's forwardness.

 

“Oh okay,” Jimin smiled.

  


A few months passed and Jungkook was now completely wrapped around Jimin’s little fingers, just like back in high school.

 

They messaged each other back and forth every day, making inside jokes and picking at the deepest parts of each other's brain.

 

Jungkook's co-workers and college buddies even started to wonder if he was seeing someone. He was so much happier and always had his phone glued to his side.

 

Jimin would sometimes even show up to the restaurant and order when he knew Jungkook was there working. He’d make his order long and complicated just to mess with him.

 

Long story short, the two quickly fell for each other.

 

One afternoon, on Jungkook’s day off, he sat in the corner of a café studying for his final exams as Jimin sat across from him playing music. They often shared earphones and showed each other their newest playlist. This time around, Jimin played him a few love songs.

 

“What is this?” Jungkook chuckled, flipping through his economics textbook. “These songs are so sappy.”

 

“I’ve been feeling sappy lately,” Jimin smiled as he sipped on his iced tea.

 

“Why’s that?” Jungkook asked as he wrote down a new definition.

 

“I don't know,” Jimin mumbled. “I have a lot of emotions these days. For someone.”

 

“Oh,” Jungkook murmured. They’d been semi-flirting back and forth for a few weeks but he wasn't sure if they were actual feelings or if he was just feeding off of Jimin’s natural flirtatiousness.

 

“Yeah,” Jimin shrugged. “He’s really cute and funny.”

 

“Then he’s perfect for you,” Jungkook half-smiled, trying to seem calm.

 

“Kind of an airhead though.”

 

“An airhead? How?”

 

“He’s just stupid. Can't see what’s right in front of him.”

 

Jungkook looked up at him, the earphone falling from his ear.

 

Jimin smiled, sipping his iced tea again.

 

“Anyways, I heard another really good song the other day,” he said, flipping through his phone.

 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Jungkook said, dropping his pen down. “What did you just…?”

 

“I found another good song.”

 

“No, the part about liking someone.”

 

“Oh, that?” Jimin smirked. “Yeah I like you a lot. I have for the longest. So about that song--”

 

“You like me?”

 

“Yes, I have a huge crush on you.”

 

Jungkook was blown away. Was Jimin really trying to confess his feelings so nonchalantly in this café?

 

“Are you being serious or are you fucking with me, Park Jimin?”

 

“Pinky promise,” Jimin said, hooking his pinky up with Jungkook’s. “I want to be yours.”

 

Jimin noticed how red Jungkook was getting.

 

“Sorry, was that too forward?” Jimin asked. “You're all red now.”

 

“N-No, it’s just…I...well, I want to be yours too. I have since high school. You know that,” Jungkook stuck his nose back into his textbook, unable to look Jimin in the eyes.

 

Jimin touched his hand, bringing it away from the book. “Look at me.”

 

He shook his head.

 

“Kookie, please.”

 

Kookie? Jungkook hadn't heard that nickname since middle school. It made him feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

 

He looked back up at Jimin.

 

Jimin grabbed Jungkook’s book and scooted over next to him in the booth. He held up the book to cover their faces.

 

“What are you--”

 

Jimin leaned in closer to him, their noses just centimeters apart.

 

“Can I kiss you?” Jimin whispered.

 

Without any thought, Jungkook nodded, allowing Jimin to lean in closer and press their lips together. It was a gentle kiss, which left the younger wanting even more. He kissed back, feeling the warmth of Jimin’s soft lips.

 

When they parted, Jungkook saw Jimin smile shyly. It was not the first time that he made the older feel this way. Jimin put the book back down onto the table.

 

“Can I be yours?” Jimin asked him. He touched Jungkook’s hand again.

 

“Well duh,” Jungkook nodded, causing Jimin to break into a chuckle. Jungkook’s inner freshman was screaming but on the outside he forced himself to keep it together. Was it too soon to tell him he loves him?

 


	2. pt. ii ; payment

**pt. ii ; payment**

 

 

 

_One Year Later_

  
  
  


Jungkook and Jimin moved in together. It was a small officetel, not much bigger than Jungkook’s previous one room apartment near school. He was fine with this though, as long as he was with Jimin.

 

As Jungkook worked on getting his degree, he often wondered what goals his boyfriend had. Apart from becoming rich and travelling the world some day.

 

The two were still disgustingly in love, but they began to act like a married couple, spending the days working and nights talking about finances and house chores. This was not something that bothered Jungkook, though. In fact, it made him feel closer to Jimin, knowing that they could talk so comfortably about such grown up things.

 

Ironically, Jungkook found himself as more of the grownup in their relationship than his older boyfriend. Always reminding him of important dates, making sure he fed himself, and doing most of the daily chores like cooking breakfast and cleaning up the officetel.

 

Jungkook knew since the day they encountered each other at the restaurant that Jimin was involved with sketchy drug-related activities, but he hadn’t realized how deeply involved he was until they moved in together. He swore that he didn't use it (apart from some weed every now and then), only helped Tae out with his “business”.

 

It took a lot for Jungkook to deal with Jimin’s little side job but he knew that he loved Jimin enough to respect his life choices, as long as they didn't come into their home or involve Jungkook.

 

The first time Jimin broke that rule  was when Jungkook brought his college friends over for a house tour and smelled weed coming from their bedroom. His friends were more than confused by the weird scent coming from the room.

 

“What is that smell?” His fourth-year friend Hoseok asked.

 

“Sorry, my roommate is a smoker,” he had lied. Yes, he was still in the closet to his friends but the way he saw it was that it was none of their business who he loves. “I’ll tell him to stop.”

 

He excused himself into the room and shut the door quickly.

 

“Park Jimin,” he gritted through his teeth.

 

“Hi, baby,” Jimin smiled, blowing smoke out of the window. His eyes were red, and he looked sleepy. He was fucking high.

 

“Are you kidding me right now? My friends are here! You were supposed to meet them remember? I’m showing them around the house!”

 

“Oh shit!” Jimin said, putting down his bowl. He was also drinking soju. He was high _and_ drunk. “Where are they? Is Hogie there?”

 

Jungkook sighed. “It’s Hoseok, and yes, he's here, but you are _not_ meeting him like this.”

 

“Why, do I stink? I just took a shower.” Jimin frowned.

 

“Put that away!” Jungkook said, accidentally raising his voice.

 

“Why are you yelling at me?” Jimin frowned, tears forming in his eyes.

 

“Just put that shit away and stay in here until they leave, okay? We’ll talk about this later.”

 

“But what am I supposed to do in here alone?” Jimin asked, running a hand through his hair frustratedly.

 

“Take a nap or something!” Jungkook told him before exiting the room and slamming the door shut.

 

“Sorry about that guys, he’s an idiot sometimes,” Jungkook sighed.

 

“Does he always smoke inside?” Hoseok asked worriedly. “You might get kicked out for that.”

 

And kicked out they were, on more than one occasion. Neighbors sent in complaints all the time about smelling smoke in their apartment. At a certain point, Jungkook couldn't even detect the smell anymore. If Jimin was smoking before he got home he wouldn't even know. To be safe, though, he stopped inviting people over and always made sure to shower before leaving the house, even if it was for a quick stop at the convenience store down the street.

 

This was not enough though as he and Jimin were evicted three times for smoking inside. Jungkook wasn't entirely sure why he let Jimin do it, maybe because he was worried about Jimin if he didn't. The weed mellowed him out, lessening his anxiety and improving his focus. Without it Jimin was always on edge or worse, paranoid. He’d get paranoid that Jungkook was hurt or that he didn't love him and went out to see other guys.

 

Jimin tried to find other places to do it but Seoul was a busy place where there was always people around wherever you turned. He even smoked in the staircase once, which was how they got evicted the first time.

 

Jimin wasn't a stoner but he was noticeably more anxious if he didn't smoke at least once a week. This meant that Taehyung was around a lot.

 

Jungkook did not like Taehyung.

 

Ever since they met each other in his freshman year of high school, Taehyung was very standoffish towards him. Back in highschool it was understandable because he was with Jimin while Jungkook was clearly obsessed, but even now, years later, Taehyung refused to open up to him.

 

They often sat in silence.

 

Taehyung would drop by, discuss “business” things with Jimin while Jungkook cleaned up, and then he would either leave or Jimin would invite him to stay for dinner.

 

This time around, Jimin invited Taehyung to stay for dinner.

 

Jungkook volunteered to go out and order food instead of simply getting delivery like they always do. They agreed on a restaurant a few miles away but Jungkook thought it would be easier to walk back a shorter distance, so he changed his mind last minute and went to the restaurant around the corner.

 

Within fifteen minutes, Jungkook was on his way back up the stairs into their newest place, a shabby one-room far from town. They decided it as a temporary space while they figure out how to feed Jimin’s habit without getting kicked out. Truthfully it wasn't the most comfortable place but the owner was never around and there were practically no neighbors.

 

As Jungkook unlocked the door, he could smell the scent of weed coming from inside. All he could do was sigh and roll his eyes before entering the apartment.

 

“I’m back!” Jungkook called over the sound of RnB playing in the background. He set the food down on the counter before walking into the living room with the keycard.

 

He dropped the keycard onto the ground.

 

There was Taehyung, straddled on top of Jimin’s waist, undressed and pressing their lips together. He moaned into Jimin’s mouth, holding him by his jaw. Neither boy had processed the fact that Jungkook was there as they were too high and focused on each other to realize.

 

“Jimin?” Jungkook managed to say. He felt his heart sink into his stomach.

 

Jimin pushed Taehyung off once he realized that Jungkook had returned, a look of panic surfacing on his face. Taehyung seemed unbothered, touching his own lips amusingly.

 

“Jungkook!” Jimin said, putting his shirt back on. “I-I can explain! I swear baby it's not what you think!”

 

Jungkook was speechless. He ran out of there, tears clouding his vision. He didn't know what to do with himself so he ran down the street. He kept running until he reached the dead end on their road.

 

“Jungkook!” Jimin yelled as he ran after him. “Please listen to me!”

 

 _What do I do?_ Jungkook wondered. He had nowhere to escape without facing Jimin. The last thing he wanted to do was face him. In fact, he wanted to _punch_ Jimin in his face and never speak to him again.

 

“Jungkook,” Jimin called as he approached the younger boy.

 

“Get away from me,” Jungkook cried, unable to hold back his emotions.

 

“Please, you don't get it,” Jimin panted, reaching out for him. He knew Jungkook would not want to be touched, so he moved his hand back to his side.

 

“What is there not to get?! You have been cheating on me with Taehyung this whole time, haven't you?” Jungkook yelled through his tears. “Did you ever really love me or was this just a game? Did you and Taehyung plan this the whole time?!”

 

“No! I swear, Jungkook, I wouldn't do that!” Jimin told him. “It’s not like that at all. I don't feel anything for Taehyung. I never did. Not even in high school.”

 

Jungkook was confused. “Do you expect me to believe that?”

 

Jimin looked so defeated. He didn't know how to explain without sounding like an absolute fool.

 

“It’s… it’s how I pay for the things he gives me,” Jimin admitted, avoiding eye contact with Jungkook. “He gives me some drugs and I give him...well...me.”

 

There was a brief silence between them. Jungkook was trying to understand why Jimin would do such a thing and why he wouldn't tell him about it.

 

“I…” Jimin tried to speak but he was getting choked up. It was the first time that Jungkook had seen him cry.

 

“I’m not proud of this. I don't like it, but there's no other way,” he told Jungkook. “It’s been like this since high school. Taehyung used me to get off and in return I got whatever drug I wanted that week.”

 

“Please tell me you’re lying,” Jungkook asked. He hoped that Jimin was lying to him and that he wasn't actually Taehyung's sex slave. He didn't know what he would do if Jimin was telling the truth.

 

“Yes,” Jimin nodded slowly. He couldn't look at Jungkook as he admitted his darkest secret that he’d been hiding for years. “I've never told anyone before.”

 

“A-And you really never had feelings for him? Not even once?” Jungkook asked.

 

“Maybe a little bit when we first became friends, but I’ve never enjoyed nights like these with him. I swear it’s meaningless. I only love you.” He looked at Jungkook in that last part, which made the younger feel more assured that Jimin really did love him.

 

“Why didn't you tell me sooner?” Jungkook asked sadly.

 

“I didn't know if you’d understand or even believe me,” Jimin admitted. “And I know you're going to tell me to stop.”

 

“Why can't you stop? You can't just keep sleeping with another man, Jimin!”

 

“It's all I know,” Jimin told him honestly. “I do whatever Taehyung wants me to do, wear whatever he wants me to wear, and he gives me whatever I want. I know it's wrong because I’m with you but I also know that it means nothing. It makes me sick every time I do it but I also see it as doing what I have to do.”

 

“It’s wrong period! You shouldn't be selling yourself even if you weren't with me,” Jungkook cried. “There has to be another way, Jimin. One that isn't physical.”

 

“Yeah, that way is called money. And I don't have that kind of money,” Jimin murmured. “I need you to understand why I can't stop, Jungkook. No matter how badly I want to. If Taehyung doesn't trust me anymore then I will have some bad people after me and we’ll have to run forever.”

 

_We’ll._

 

Jungkook ran a hand through his hair. “I don't know. I need to think. This is too much information at once.”

 

Jimin stepped closer to him. “Jungkook, I am so sorry to put you through this. I love you so much and I need you to know that. You are everything to me and that is exactly why I didn't want you to know. I know it's complicated right now but once I make enough money we can finally get out of here and go far away. But until then I need Taehyung’s help.”

 

Jungkook didn't feel right at all. It was like Jimin was so used to being used for sex that he couldn't see how wrong it was anymore. But he also knew that Jimin’s intentions were never to hurt him. It was actually the opposite. And he supposed that Jimin wouldn't have pursued him if he had feelings for Taehyung. Still it was so complicated.

 

“How often do you guys… do this,” Jungkook asked him. Jimin looked away again, ashamed.

 

“Often.”

 

“How often?” Jungkook asked again, slightly raising his voice.

 

“More often than I want to admit to you right now.”

 

“Well you have to because I’m your fucking boyfriend.”

 

Jimin sighed, closing his eyes.

 

“It’s more often than usual lately. I’ve been kind of stressed, you know.”

 

“Wait,” Jungkook thought back. “Do you guys do it every time he gives you weed?”

 

Jimin didn't respond.

 

“Oh my god….” Jungkook whispered. “Every fucking week?”

 

“I told you it was often,” Jimin cried. He knew Jungkook was pissed off. Jimin had been sleeping with Taehyung regularly for the entirety of the time that they’d been dating, but he had to believe that it meant nothing.

 

“It's so normal for me that I don't think about it,” Jimin tried to remind him. “I fucking love you Jungkook, there is no question about that!”

 

“You love me but you sleep with Taehyung every week and act like nothing happened when you see me? That doesn't sound like love that sounds like you’re living a double-life!”

 

“I don't sleep with him he fucks me and then gives me drugs!” Jimin fought back.

 

“What's the difference?!”

 

“I don't _do_ anything!” Jimin cried. “I lie there and take it. Then I feel like shit until I get home and see you and I’m suddenly happy. Seeing you makes me forget about everything else. Why would I want to fuck that up and tell you I was just being fucked by Taehyung? The look on your face, the one that I just saw, was the worst thing I’ve ever seen. I’d never want to hurt you like that.”

 

“You already hurt me,” Jungkook told him. “You lied to me every day. You looked me in the eyes and told me you love me, knowing that you were sleeping with someone else. I don't know if I can just forget about that.”

 

Now that Jungkook had thought about it, he knew very little about Jimin’s personal life. He figured he sold drugs when he told him about Taehyung, but he was also selling his body too. Who even knows if Taehyung was the only one. There could be more that he’d never admit to seeing.

 

Jungkook loved Jimin, so much that he gave up his friends, a decent home, and his ability to see when he was enabling someone. He had been enabling Jimin since the day they met at the restaurant.

 

Jungkook suddenly realized that he had no reason to sacrifice so much for someone that can't even follow a simple request.

 

“Please, Jungkook,” Jimin begged, holding onto him. “I am so so sorry, please forgive me. I didn't do this to hurt you.”

 

“No,” Jungkook told him.

 

“W-What?”

 

“No,” he repeated. “I can't forgive you. I won't. I don't even know who you are right now. Please just get off me.”

 

“Jungkook…”

 

Though the sight of Jimin crying broke Jungkook’s heart, the image of him under Taehyung’s touch angered him more.

 

“All I asked of you was to keep the drugs out of the house. We have been kicked out three times because you couldn't even do that much. We live in the sketchiest place ever because we can't be around people that may get you caught. I had to lie to my friends about why I keep moving around and why they can't come over. Not even Hoseok talks to me anymore, and I didn't even mention it to you! I let you do whatever you wanted because I love you and I didn't want to risk losing you. I’ve enabled you to the point where _I_ am the one suffering for it. That's not how a relationship is supposed to be, Jimin. I’m sorry but I can't do this anymore. Especially knowing that you can't even stop sleeping with Taehyung for me. I can't...I can’t be with you anymore.”

 

He removed himself from Jimin’s hold, and made his way back down the road.

 

“Jungkook! Are you really doing this?” Jimin cried, going after him.

 

Even though he was practically sobbing, Jungkook said yes. His body was begging him to turn around and take it back, but his brain knew he shouldn't.

 

“Please don’t do this! I don't know what I’ll do without you. I’m sorry I hurt you, Jungkook, I’m sorry!”

 

Jungkook kept walking. He ignored all of Jimin’s cries and apologies. It hurt like hell but he refused to stop or turn around. Eventually he couldn't hear Jimin’s footsteps behind him.

 

He kept walking.


	3. pt. iii ; sept 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> btw, this fancfic is also available on AFF. please upvote if you have a second to spare ^^:
> 
> https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1349566/serotonin-jimin-bts-jungkook-taehyung-namjoon-jikook-hoseok-kookmin-jikookangst

**pt. iii ; sept 1**

 

 

 

Weeks passed. Jungkook was staying at Hoseok’s place. He went there crying that night and told him everything; his roommate was his boyfriend and he was a cheater and a liar. Hoseok was nothing but supportive and let him stay for as long as he needed.

 

Jungkook had heard nothing from Jimin since that night. It worried him but he tried to convince himself that it was because Jimin didn't care. It was a terrible lie, but it got Jungkook through the day.

 

“How are you today?” Hoseok asked Jungkook as he stepped out of the guest room.

 

“Slightly less depressed than yesterday,” Jungkook murmured, taking a seat on the couch. His facial expression said otherwise.

 

“Aren't you hungry?” Hoseok asked from the kitchen counter.

 

“Not really,” Jungkook sighed. “I wonder if he ate…”

 

Right. Jungkook would always have to remind Jimin to eat or make him breakfast. If not he’d starve and get dizzy later.

 

“Kooki,” Hoseok monotoned. “Stop worrying about him.”

 

“I can't just unlove him,” Jungkook whined. “It takes time.”

 

“It seems like it took no time for him, considering he hasn't contacted you at all.”

 

Hoseok brought over a cup of coffee and handed it to Jungkook.

 

“Thanks,” he smiled. “And I’m not sure. We’ve never fought before, let alone broken up.”

 

They’d actually fought dozens of times over drugs and Taehyung, but they were always back in each other's arms a few minutes later.

 

Jungkook couldn't help but wonder what Jimin was doing now that Jungkook was out of the picture. Was he taking pills? Seeing other men? Did he spend his nights on the couch or the street corner?

 

He wondered if Taehyung was over there finishing the job that Jungkook interrupted. Or did Jimin finally cut him off? Doubtful.

 

“Are you going to pick up your stuff or leave it?” Hoseok asked.

 

Right, breaking up with someone you live with is more complex than simply running away.

 

Jungkook sighed. “He’s usually out of the house at noon. I’ll go by there later to get my things.”

 

“Need backup?” Hoseok offered. “Just in case he’s there?”

 

“He’s not some gangster, Hoseok. I’ll be okay.”

 

“Are you sure? He sounds like a thug, smoking in public places and cheating on you for a year.”

 

A part of Jungkook felt defensive, wanting to justify everything that Jimin’s done, but he’d done enough of that.

  


At noon, Jungkook set out to the bus stop with a few duffel bags, ready to pack his things. As he rode the bus down to their city, he contemplated whether or not he should leave a note or a letter for Jimin. _I still love you_ or something sentimental like that. It was more for his own peace of mind than Jimin’s.

 

He got off the bus and headed down the dirt road towards their sketchy albeit cozy home. Looking around, Jungkook didn't see any people or cars, which was a good sign that Jimin wasn't around.

 

He opened the door, which, to his surprise and slight worry, was already unlocked.

 

“Ji...Jimin?” Jungkook called as he stepped in. There was no response. No music, no smell of marijuana permeating the place.

 

As Jungkook looked around, he saw the apartment was just the same as he left it. Even the remains of the bowl Taehyung and Jimin were sharing on the table, like a moment stuck in time.

 

“Did he even return back here?” Jungkook asked himself as he looked around. He went into their bedroom.

 

The window was slightly opened, making the room colder than anywhere else. Jungkook quickly went over to the dresser and started packing. He threw all his clothes inside his bags then ran to the bathroom to grab his toiletries.

 

A part of him felt wrong packing up. He wanted to put his jacket up and get started on lunch, but this wasn't the place for that anymore. He wondered what would happen if he _did_ just carry on like nothing happened. Would Jimin play along and let things go back to normal?

 

_“I need you to understand why I can't stop, Jungkook. No matter how badly I want to. If Taehyung doesn't trust me anymore then I will have some bad people after me and we’ll have to run forever.”_

 

Is that why Jimin didn't return home? Was he running from bad people? Was he in danger because of Jungkook’s selfishness?

 

“Of course not!” Hoseok told him. “That’s ridiculous. It's not selfish to ask that your boyfriend stay monogamous.”

 

“But...you don't understand,” Jungkook murmured, emptying out his bags into the dresser of Hoseok’s guest room. “We were perfect before I caught him. He treated me perfectly, always so sweet and romantic. He never forgot our anniversaries or my birthday. He’s the one that confessed to me, not the other way around.”

 

“Anniversaries?”

 

Jungkook smiled, remembering those days. “The day we met at the restaurant, the day we became a couple, the day we moved in together. Our 100 days, 150 days, 365 days. He celebrated all of it. He really loves me, Hoseok. I can't deny that just because of Taehyung.”

 

“So why lie about Taehyung? Why do him at all?” Hoseok asked. Jungkook hadn't told him the part about how they had sex in exchange for drugs.

 

“I don't know,” Jungkook lied. “But Jimin never treated me badly. Fuck, if anything I was the asshole, always bossing him around and babying him when he could handle himself. He’s older than me afterall.”

 

“Jungkook, you're not the one at fault here,” Hoseok reminded him. “You caught him with another man and he straight up told you he wouldn't stop seeing him for you. That’s fucked up!”

 

_If Taehyung doesn't trust me anymore then I will have some bad people after me and we’ll have to run forever._

 

“Maybe he had reasons,” Jungkook mumbled.

 

“What reason justifies cheating?”

 

“Ah, I don't know. I’m starving, let's get delivery.” Jungkook shrugged him off.

 

He knew there was a major piece missing in the information he gave Hoseok, but he didn't have the heart to talk about Jimin’s darkest secret so casually. The more he thought about it, the more he regretted leaving him all alone to be used by Taehyung. But every time he thought about them lying together remorselessly, he was glad he left.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Your things are gone.**

 

This was the first text message Jungkook received from Jimin since they broke up.

 

It was around 4 AM, and Jungkook jumped from his pillow when he heard the special _ding_ set up only for Jimin’s texts.

 

_Jimin_

**Your things are gone.** _4:14 AM_

 

He wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement. Jungkook wanted to ask him so many questions. Are you okay? Have you been eating? Are you still seeing Taehyung?

 

_Jungkook_

**> I came over and got them.** _4:23 AM_

 

He bit his nails nervously, awaiting Jimin’s response. At least he was alive.

 

_Jimin_

**I want to see you soon. Where are you?** _4:26 AM_

 

Jungkook’s heart raced. Jimin wanted to see him after all this time.

 

_Jungkook_

**> Hoseok’s place. Where are you? ** _4:27 AM_

 

Jungkook knew from the fact that he’d picked up his things last week that Jimin was only now returning home.

 

_Jimin_

**Happy birthday.** _4:28 AM_

 

Jungkook checked the date on his phone. September 1st. It was his birthday. Jimin knew and he didn’t.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Much to Hoseok’s dismay, Jungkook agreed to meet with Jimin for the first time in weeks. He wasn't exactly sure why Jimin wanted to meet up. Maybe to win him back, maybe to become friends again. Jungkook would be lying to himself if he said he didn't want to see him again.

 

They decided to meet outside the restaurant where they were reunited a year ago. It was always weird for Jungkook to be a customer in his own place of work.

 

As Jungkook waited for Jimin to arrive, he ordered water for the both of them.

 

Truthfully, he was terrified. He didn't know what Jimin was going to do. He was worried he wasn't well or worse, that he’d been doing great. He was also worried that he would go crawling back to him only to be hurt again, or that he’d feel nothing for him anymore. Jungkook didn't know what he wanted.

 

“Jungkook.”

 

There it was. The familiar sound of Jimin’s soft voice.

 

Jungkook looked up to see Jimin taking a seat across from him. They both took a minute to examine each other. Jimin’s hair was flat against his forehead, contrary to his usual messy look. His eyes looked sullen and sleep deprived, his cheeks more hollow than Jungkook remembered.

 

_You should’ve been eating._

 

“Jimin,” he managed to say, though quietly.

 

“Happy birthday,” Jimin said, a weak, tired smile on his face.

 

“Thank you. Again,” Jungkook nodded. The longer they sat together, the more on edge Jimin seemed. Jungkook had only met this version of Jimin once, in the beginning of their relationship when Jimin hadn't been high for three weeks. It was the paranoid Jimin that called him every hour at work to make sure he was okay and still loved him. It was at that point that Jungkook realized Jimin needed to smoke to be calm.

 

“A-Are you okay?” Jungkook asked Jimin as he watched him chug a glass of water.

 

“Yes, just thirsty,” Jimin assured him. “Sorry.”

 

“No, it's okay,” Jungkook looked down. He felt like he would burst with questions at any moment.

 

“Jungkook,” Jimin said, setting his glass down.

 

“Yes?” He looked up. The sight of Jimin’s eyes made him sad. The bags underneath, the prevalence of his collarbones.

 

“I....um,” Jimin swallowed. “I quit. Everything. Cold turkey. I haven't seen Taehyung since that night and I went to a place to get help. I’m trying. It's not easy but...I’m doing it.”

 

Jungkook was filled with so much happiness to hear that Jimin was trying to get better. Especially since he’d been such a heavy user since high school.

 

“I’m not going to lie, I’m scared,” Jimin whispered, eyes glazing over with tears. “Taehyung has been blowing up my phone every day... It's not just about the nights we share together; we’re still business partners, you know. I have responsibilities and people who depend on me to do things. Anyways, last night, I came back to our place to get my things and I noticed yours were gone. I realized it was your birthday and I had to see you.”

 

“Jimin, I’m sorry I--”

 

“Are you ready to order now?” The waitress returned happily, looking at the two.

 

“Coffee, please,” Jimin smiled at her.

 

“Would you like coffee, too?” She asked Jungkook. He nodded, waiting for her to go away. She bowed and left them alone.

 

“Don't be sorry,” Jimin told him. “I feel better now. Less dependent. More paranoid, but less dependent.”

 

“So you haven't taken anything since that night?” Jungkook whispered. He was worried.

 

Jimin nodded. “I’ve been drinking a lot of coffee. Doesn't help much but it's something.”

 

Jungkook noticed Jimin tapping on the table subconsciously, a nervous habit he’d never done before. He kept tapping louder and louder, unaware of the fact that he was even doing it.

 

“W-Where are you staying now?” Jungkook asked him, trying to ignore the tapping.

 

“I returned from rehab last night. I left in the middle because it was totally bullshit,” Jimin said, eyes unmoving from Jungkook’s. “I was tired of hearing that I have a problem or an addiction. I’m fine.”

 

Jungkook placed his hand on Jimin’s to stop the tapping.

 

“Jimin…”

 

“Oh, sorry,” he chuckled, retracting his hand. “I do that sometimes. Side effect, I guess.”

 

“Here are your coffees,” the waitress smiled, placing them on the table. “Let me know if you need anything else.”

 

They nodded as she walked away. Jimin picked up his cup and drank the coffee while it was still hot, letting it burn his throat.

 

“Isn't that hot?” Jungkook said worriedly.

 

“I’m used to it.” Jimin shrugged, setting the cup down.

 

“Is this what you’ve been doing instead of eating properly? Drinking coffee?” Jungkook couldn’t hold himself back anymore.

 

Jimin gave him a confused look.

 

“Jimin, you're so thin and frail. Normally I’d be jealous of your pale skin but right now you just look like a ghost. Why can't you take care of yourself for fucks sake...”

 

“I’m sorry…”

 

“You should be sorry for making me worry,” Jungkook frowned, sliding his cup over to Jimin to drink. He wasn't a big coffee drinker. “I didn't hear from you for weeks. I thought you were dead.”

 

“You're the one who broke up with me,” Jimin reminded him. “Not like I can just text you as if you didn't break my heart.”

 

“Break _your_ heart?!” Jungkook said louder than he’d wanted. “Should I remind you who was doing what when I returned home that night?”

 

“I explained that to you already,” Jimin said quietly. “Anyways, I’m not here to talk about that. Truthfully, I came here to celebrate.”

 

“Celebrate?”

 

“For your birthday.”

 

Jungkook watched as Jimin pulled something out of his jacket pocket. He unfolded it and handed it to Jungkook.

 

“A... ticket to Jeju?” Jungkook was shocked, reading the plane ticket. “Jimin, what the…”

 

“I’m sorry if it’s rushed and awkward,” Jimin apologized, scratching his head. “I had this planned for a while and I bought the tickets like the day before you broke up with me. I was going to do a big romantic gesture but, well, yeah… If you don't want to go with me you can go with Hogie or whatever.”

 

“Hoseok,” Jungkook corrected him. He was shocked to say the least. Jungkook had mentioned how he always wanted to go to Jeju and see the mountains during their awkward friendship phase. The fact that Jimin remembered after all this time was amazing.

 

“I’d love to go. I can't believe you remembered.”

 

“Flight is in a few hours,” Jimin mumbled. “I had planned this differently but life doesn't always go as planned.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Yes!” Jungkook nodded. It was spontaneous and crazy but he was okay with that. “Let's go!”

 

“Okay,” Jimin smiled, scratching his head. “You’ll need to pack then. I’ll meet you at the airport tonight.”

 

“O-Oh okay. Do you need to be somewhere?” Jungkook asked carefully.

 

“No, why?”

 

“Come to Hoseok’s with me. You can help me pack.”

  
  


They made their way over to Hoseok’s house, which was just down the street. Jungkook was unsure as to how this weekend getaway would go with Jimin, especially under the circumstances. But he'd always wanted to go to Jeju, and if he was honest, he missed Jimin a lot.

 

“He's at the library studying right now,” Jungkook told Jimin. “Since he’s a senior he has a big research paper due soon.”

 

“Oh, okay,” Jimin nodded. He never went to university, so he couldn't really relate. After graduation, he and Taehyung moved to Seoul and went fully into the whole “drug services” thing. At least that's what they called it.

 

Jimin had sworn to himself that he only dabbled in little things here and there, but from the outside it was clear that he had a problem. Always smoking, drinking, swallowing, taking _something_ to alter his mind.

 

It started their freshman year of high school. Taehyung convinced Jimin to skip class and go to his house and play games since his parents were away at work. The two boys ditched campus and snuck away to Taehyung’s room. Tae had offered Jimin a drink from his dad’s alcohol cabinet, but Jimin rejected him. They were only fourteen after all.

 

When they got to Taehyung’s room, Jimin was ready to set up the game console when Taehyung stopped him.

 

“What’s wrong?” Jimin asked him.

 

“We can play games later,” Taehyung murmured. “I want to show you something.”

 

He took off his backpack and opened a pouch, pulling out a small baggie. It had a dark greenish-brown substance.

 

“What is that? Tea?” Jimin asked naively. Why would his friend invite him over just to drink tea?

 

“Something like that,” Taehyung chuckled. “It's like a magic tea, except you don't drink it. You breathe it in.”

 

Jimin looked at him confusedly. “You're kidding, right?”

 

Taehyung shook his head. He reached into his bag again and pulled out a tiny blue bowl and a lighter.

 

“My brother introduced me to this last month. It's amazing, Jimin. It makes you feel so good.”

 

“So good how?”

 

“Just…happy. Weightless.”

 

Jimin watched as Taehyung put a bit of the “magic tea” into the bowl and pressed it in.

 

“What is that thing?” Jimin asked him, pointing to the bowl. “Is that how you breathe it in?”

 

Taehyung nodded. “It's called a bowl. You put the lighter underneath and it makes smoke come out. You just breathe it in and you feel relaxed. Like a shower after a long day, or peeing after holding it in for a long time.”

 

Jimin laughed. It seemed like a joke, like Taehyung was just messing with him like he always does. He didn't really believe a plant could do that to someone.

 

Taehyung lit the lighter, holding the flame over the bowl. After a few seconds he inhaled deeply, holding his breath and then releasing, long streams of smoke escaping his mouth. He sighed, a lazy smile crossing his face.

 

Jimin was dumbfounded. He really did it!

 

“Tae, your eyes are red!”

 

“Yeah, that happens,” Taehyung laughed. He took another hit, letting the smoke hit Jimin’s face when he exhaled.

 

“Is that like a cigarette?” Jimin asked him, waving away the smoke.

 

“No, it's totally different. This isn't bad for you,” he assured him. “Do you want to try it?”

 

Jimin wasn't sure if he wanted to, but he also trusted Taehyung, who was his very best friend.

 

“I won't get sick or anything, right?”

 

“I don't know,” Taehyung shrugged. “Everyone reacts differently. You might cough but that's it.”

 

After a few minutes Jimin finally gave in, letting Taehyung teach him how to inhale properly.

 

“So just take two big breaths and hold for a bit then you can breathe out.”

 

Jimin nodded, holding the bowl nervously.

 

“It's okay, I'm right here just relax,” Taehyung reassured him as he lit the flame and placed it over the bowl.

 

“Okay, breathe.”

 

Jimin sucked up a bunch of smoke, trying his best to hold it in but coughing it up immediately. He choked for a bit, coughing up a storm while Taehyung laughed at him.

 

“C-Can't… s-stop coughing,” Jimin choked, his cheeks turning bright red.

 

Taehyung handed him a bottle of water, letting Jimin down half of it in a minute.

 

“It's okay the same thing happened to me,” Taehyung patted his back. “Just keep going you’ll get better.”

 

Even though Jimin didn't want to, he kept trying like Taehyung said. Eventually he stopped coughing as much, but he hadn't felt anything yet.

 

In the meantime, they played some video games while listening to RnB in the background on Taehyung's CD player.

 

Jimin complained of his hunger as they were playing, causing Taehyung to laugh. He had the munchies and he didn't even realize it.

 

“Why am I so hungry? We just had lunch at school?” Jimin whined. Taehyung threw a bag of chips at him, telling him to go crazy.

 

As Jimin ripped open the bag, he pulled out a single chip and examined it closely.

 

“Oh my god, Tae,” Jimin whispered.

 

“What?” Taehyung asked, looking at the chip in his hand.

 

“Look how rough this chip is,” Jimin whispered. “It's like a piece of cement with all its bumps and ridges. It's not smooth at all. Why do we eat chips if they're literally just cement blocks?”

 

“You're fucking high as shit,” Taehyung told him, eyes wide. “I guess it hits you later.”

 

Jimin looked confused, stuffing the chip into his mouth. “Why does cement taste so good?”

 

From that day forward, they continued to meet up every few weeks to smoke and play video games. Occasionally Taehyung would skip the bowl and just drink while Jimin got high. Either way they would both get fucked up and hang out.

 

It was a whole new world for Jimin, and he understood why Taehyung was so adamant about him trying out the ‘magic tea’. Sober, Jimin was a nervous wreck, always anxious and on edge. High, he was incredibly relaxed and happy. Even his dancing improved while he was high. He had more focus and memorized dance steps quicker.

 

This feeling of calmness excited Jimin, so much so that he would ask Taehyung to “drink tea” with him more and more often. He wasn't necessarily addicted, just loved the feeling of being relaxed.

 

Unfortunately it was extremely hard to get illegal drugs in South Korea, especially marijuana. Taehyung could only get it through his brother, who was often out of town on business. And since the two teen boys were growing more and more in need of a new supply, it was becoming harder and harder to come up with the funds to pay back Taehyung's brother.

 

One day, while skipping class and sitting in Taehyung's room, Jimin asked if he had anything on him. Taehyung was silent, pulling out a small baggie from under his bed.

 

“Where's the bowl?” Jimin asked, looking under the bed.

 

“Jimin.”

 

“Huh?” Jimin asked, looking up.

 

“I have it, but this was very hard to get,” Taehyung told him. "I had to beg my brother for hours just to get me a gram.”

 

“So?” Jimin asked, reaching for the bag.

 

“So, I can't keep doing this, Jimin,” Taehyung said, pulling the bag away from him.

 

“What do you mean?” Jimin asked confusedly.

 

“I mean, I think I should be getting something in return for getting this stuff for us,” Taehyung mumbled.

 

“You are, you get high.”

 

“No, I mean from you…”

 

Taehyung looked down embarrassingly, rubbing the back of his neck.

 

“From me? Taehyung, we're best friends!”

 

“Yeah, but…I have this problem.”

 

“What problem?”

 

Taehyung smiled shyly. “There's this girl I like in my math class and I think she likes me too. I want to go on a date with her but I…well, I’ve never kissed a girl before so I don't know if I would be good at it.”

 

Jimin was still confused. He didn't have a girlfriend either so he knew nothing about kissing.

 

“So you want me to ask her for you or something?”

 

“Not really,” Taehyung murmured, lifting his eyes to Jimin. “I want to practice kissing. On you.”

 

Jimin’s heart started to race. He felt incredibly nervous for some reason, even though he didn't— _couldn't possibly—_ like boys, let alone his best friend!

 

“What?!”

 

“Come on, Jimin, you owe me! Weed is expensive!”

 

“You want to kiss me? What are you gay or something?”

 

“Are you?” Tae asked pointedly. There was a silence between them. Deep down they both knew the truth about each other, the dark secret they both shared, but never verbalized it.

 

“Nevermind,” Taehyung sighed, putting the bag back under his bed. “Let's just play a game or something.”

 

“No, wait!” Jimin stopped him. He couldn’t give up the chance to smoke. If Taehyung cut him off he'd never see weed again. “I’ll do it. It's just a kiss right? We're not gay so it doesn't mean anything.”

 

Taehyung grinned happily, nodding at Jimin.

 

“Okay just do it then. Kiss me.”

 

Taehyung cleared his throat, fixing his posture before leaning in. He approached Jimin’s face slowly. He closed his eyes like they do in the movies, parting his lips and pressing them against Jimin’s.

 

Jimin kept his eyes open, heart beating fast from nervousness. Truthfully it was his first kiss, but he didn't tell Tae, who had about a million girls chasing after him.

 

He thought he would enjoy it more, since he and Taehyung were closer than most friends are. But he actually felt quite awkward. All he could think about was getting to smoke after Taehyung was done kissing him.

 

They pulled away, Taehyung smiling at Jimin.

 

“How was that?” he asked the two-months older boy.

 

Jimin smiled. “I think you'll be okay. Where's the bowl?”

 

Taehyung laughed, pulling out the bowl from his back pocket. He was satisfied with himself, getting to steal a kiss from Jimin.

 

Jimin took the first hit, huffing in a big puff of smoke. He blew it out the window of Taehyung’s room, feeling himself relax immediately.

 

Kissing Taehyung had become a normal thing for him after a while. Over the course of their high school career, they would practice on each other whenever the other had a new love interest.

 

People still thought they were unusually close, always together and never standing more than an inch apart. They had been joined at the hip since Taehyung moved to Busan in the fourth grade.

 

The two were definitely interested in each other growing up, in a curious and almost romantic kind of way. They acted like a married couple, always helping and caring for one another no matter the time or the place. They rarely ever fought, and if they did it was about something stupid that they’d forget about the next day.

 

Jimin would be lying if he said he didn't like Taehyung that way. But when they were sat in Taehyung’s room alone, slowly removing each other's clothes in the dark, he wanted nothing more than for it to be over.

 

In their senior year of high school, Taehyung started an underground business with his brother, selling drugs to fellow students on campus. In an attempt to stop sleeping with Taehyung, Jimin offered to help them sell.

 

As their business grew, so did their selection of drugs. The two boys experimented with new drugs whenever they had a chance, opening the door to a new world for Jimin. One that revolved around getting high.

 

He and Taehyung skipped school more and more frequently to get high together. They would smoke, pop pills, and sometimes drink while doing it. Drinking still wasn't Jimin’s cup of tea, but Taehyung was very much into it. He would even show up to class drunk sometimes, causing Jimin to rush him off campus to protect him from rumors.

 

One time when Taehyung was drunk, he confessed to Jimin how much he loves him. Like, _loves_ him. _You're beautiful, I want to be with you forever, I can't live without you_ , the whole ordeal.

 

Stupidly, Jimin believed that since Taehyung was confessing, it meant he had to feel the same way too.

 

“I want to be with you too,” he had said. Taehyung cried of happiness, bringing Jimin in close for a hug that lasted a good 3 minutes. Without realizing, Jimin had accepted Taehyung as his official boyfriend.

 

It wasn't so bad for a bit, they got to do couple things and be romantic with each other whenever they felt like it. They had their own little secret relationship which was thrilling for Jimin. And for a while he actually felt quite content dating his best friend. Apart from the sex, Jimin was glad to be with Taehyung.

 

Senior year was also the year that Jimin had been anticipating his performance at the school talent show. He practiced his dance day and night, perfecting it for months. They were in a performing arts school, Jimin in the dance academy and Taehyung in the singing academy.

 

Every year the school had a showcase allowing students to show off their talents. Jimin always came in second, but this time he was determined to place first. And he did! He won first place for his contemporary dance to Big Bang’s Haru Haru.

 

He was crowded by his family and Taehyung, who actually brought him flowers after his win. Everything changed after that night, though.

 

Jimin started to notice a boy following him around campus in between classes. He was tiny and cute, a clear sign of a freshman. Taehyung noticed this boy too, never more than a few feet behind them and always sat at the table next to theirs whenever they decided to stay for lunch.

 

“Who is that kid?” Jimin murmured to Taehyung. He sure was adorable, just a bit of a stalker.

 

“That's Jeon Jungkook,” Taehyung whispered back. “He's a freshman in the singing academy. He has a great voice. He was scouted even though he's only sixteen.”

 

“Really?” Jimin nodded. “Impressive!”

 

“He has like no friends, though,” Taehyung chuckled. “He's so shy.”

 

“Why do you think he's always nearby?”

 

“Maybe he likes me,” Taehyung laughed. He looked over at Jungkook, who looked away immediately. It was so cute that Jimin had to smile at him.

 

“I don't think it's you he likes,” Jimin told him.

 

“What, you think it's you? Someone sure has a big head after winning the talent show.”

 

“I saw him staring at me before,” Jimin admitted. “When I caught him he ran away embarrassed.”

 

“Pathetic,” Taehyung huffed, taking a bite of Jimin’s sandwich. Jimin didn't think so. He thought it was endearing that someone was so shy around him.

 

Throughout the year he'd grown used to Jungkook being around. If ever he wasn't, Jimin would wonder if he was okay or if he didn't like him anymore.

 

Eventually graduation rolled around and Jimin and Taehyung finally left the school. Jimin broke up with Taehyung immediately after they graduated, knowing Taehyung would try to “celebrate” with him afterwards. Taehyung was devastated, but accepted Jimin’s request to just stay friends and business partners.

 

As partners in crime, Taehyung convinced Jimin to move to Seoul with him and his older brother. It was scary at first but Seoul had more opportunities for them as artists than Busan did. That, and more people to sell to.

 

Slowly, they started to make a good living selling drugs to normal people and sometimes even popular idols. Taehyung became a scary tycoon, always hungry for money. Jimin, on the other hand, kept to himself and silently dedicated his life to being high. Xanax, percocet, adderall, anything that could be swallowed had flowed through his veins at least once.

 

Taehyung somehow got him to give up his body, something about threatening to cut him off as “these drugs are really hard to get, Jimin! I can't keep giving them to you without getting anything in return.” He didn't even care that his best friend had lost his self control to drugs, all he cared about was getting off.

 

These things stuck in Jimin’s mind as he watched Jungkook pack his bags for their weekend trip to Jeju. He wondered how he ever got so lucky as to meet someone that genuinely cared about him, and didn't want him for drugs or sex. Even when they didn't know each other, Jungkook was always there for him.

 

“Don't you have to pack your things too?” Jungkook asked suddenly, turning from his dresser to look at Jimin. He looked him over again and noticed his body once more, how his size small shirt dangled over his frame like an oversized sweatshirt. How his skin was paler than any snowstorm he’d ever seen. How dark and lifeless his eyes looked, like a ghost was standing in front of him. It made him painfully sad.

 

“Yeah, I brought everything back to our place,” Jimin told him, looking down. “It was so empty without your things.”

 

Jungkook sighed. He wanted so badly to reach out and hold him for dear life, but if he did that he'd end up falling for him again. And he wouldn't allow himself to fall for someone that didn't love him enough to stay loyal.

 

“We can go back there,” Jungkook nodded. He turned back to the dresser to grab socks.


	4. pt. iiii ; jeju

**pt. iiii ; jeju**

 

 

  


On the plane to Jeju, Jimin shivered from the cold air conditioning. Jungkook put his blanket over him as he slept, watching as he slowly stopped shaking.

 

 _Why do you look so frail?_ Jungkook thought as he watched him. _This isn't the Jimin I know, who's strong and healthy, funny, and happy, all in one. This is a ghost. Distant, cold, and scary._

 

He sat back, adjusting his headphones and continued watching the inflight movie.

 

Ironically, Jimin was always the one who couldn't sleep on planes. They made him anxious and since he couldn't smoke weed on a plane, he had to deal with his fear sober. Usually Jungkook was fast asleep, unmoving, not even for the strongest turbulence.

 

Why couldn't Jungkook sleep this time?

  
  
  
  
  


They landed around noon, Jungkook lightly nudging Jimin awake. He was still cute as ever, opening his eyes with a soft, “Hm?”

 

“We're here,” Jungkook told him, trying not to smile.

 

“Where?” Jimin squinted, not yet able to open his eyes to the harsh lights.

 

“Jeju, idiot,” Jungkook chuckled. He pulled his blanket away from Jimin, forcing the older boy to wake up.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Jimin scratched his head.

 

They got off the plane and got a cab to their hotel. The car ride was silent, save for Jimin blaring music from his earbuds. At one point he shared an ear with Jungkook, like they used to before they started dating. Jungkook silently nodded his head to the sappy love songs that Jimin played. It was clearly a message to the younger boy, but he feigned ignorance so as not to admit that he regretted leaving Jimin.

 

The hotel room was probably the biggest obstacle for Jungkook. Since Jimin booked the room while they were still together, there was just one king sized bed. Jimin offered to sleep on the floor but Jungkook refused. He already looked frail enough, the last thing he needed was back pain.

 

“Are you sure? I wouldn't mind,” Jimin told him as he set his bag on the ground.

 

“I’m sure,” Jungkook assured him. “It's not like we haven't shared a bed.”

 

“Alright,” Jimin scratched his head. It was odd to imagine them sharing a bed without the added cuddles and kisses. “I’m going to hop in the shower before the tour guide gets here.”

 

Jungkook nodded his head as Jimin disappeared into the bathroom. He was _so so_ conflicted. Did he want to go back to Jimin or did he value himself enough to not be actively cheated on?

 

As Jimin was showering, Jungkook received a call from a very flustered Hoseok.

 

“What do you _mean_ you're _in Jeju with Jimin_?! Have you lost your mind?!” Hoseok whispered-screamed. He must have still been in the library.

 

“What's the big deal?” Jungkook asked. “We're just going to be sight seeing for two days then going back home.”

 

“Jungkook, you're in a fragile state right now. You could return to Jimin at any moment.”

 

He knew this was true.

 

“It's only two days...”

 

“Are you in separate rooms at least?”

 

“…”

 

“Jungkook! You’re sharing a room?! Please tell me there's two separate beds at least.”

 

“Not quite…”

 

“ _Jeon Jungkook_.”

 

“It's fine, hyung! We’re just going to sleep. That's all! Nothing weird.”

 

“I can't believe you're doing this with him.”

 

“I couldn’t say no! I've always wanted to visit Jeju, and plus it's my birthday. How often can I explore Jeju on my birthday?”

 

“If you asked me I would have taken you.”

 

Jungkook rolled his eyes. He knew Hoseok wouldn't have given up precious study time to go on vacation with his idiot friend Jungkook.

 

“Either way I’m here and I can't turn back. I’ll see you in two days, Hoseok hyung. Bye!”

 

“But—”

 

“Bye!”

 

When the tour guide got to the hotel, all of the guests on the tour came down the lobby, ready to explore Jeju Island.

 

They started the day out at Woljeongri Beach, where Jungkook was peer pressured to run into the cold waters by the other guests. After that they drove to Manjang Cave where they got to explore and see the Seongsan Sunrise Peak. Jungkook took pictures of everything he could, sending some to Hoseok and assuring him that everything was fine. They ended the night for day one at Aquaplanet, where they saw lots of cool sea creatures, then settled down for dinner. Each attraction felt like a new date with Jimin, who was silently following Jungkook and letting him explore like a tiny child. He kept laughing at the younger boy’s excitement to the many cool places in Jeju, even snapping a picture of him every once in awhile. That night they slept on the far ends of the bed, a single pillow separating them in the middle.

 

On the second day, they had breakfast in the hotel and then went to the famous Bijarim forest and later rode a railbike. After stopping for lunch, the group traveled Udo Island and visited the Seongeup Folk Village. Jungkook was beyond excited to learn about the Jeju culture and see for himself all the cool things he’d heard about the island. Unfortunately that was a wrap for their weekend tour. Jungkook wished he could've visited more places or stayed there longer, but the weekend was over and so was his birthday.

 

They got back to the hotel room, both exhausted from the long weekend of exploring.

 

Jimin sat on the bed without saying a word. He had been silent all day, not even making fun of Jungkook for his excitement. And now that Jungkook wasn't distracted by mountainsides and village people, he noticed how sickly Jimin looked.

 

“Hyung, are you okay? You haven’t said a word all day.”

 

Jimin nodded slowly, even though he was shaking.

 

“Jimin, are you sure? You look terrible!”

 

Jungkook ran over to him, taking a closer look. He grabbed his hand, looking Jimin all over.

 

Jimin was sweating profusely, even though his hands were cold.

 

“I-It’s just withdrawal,” Jimin shuttered, shivering harder. “I haven't taken anything in so long my body is reacting like this.”

 

“You look really sick though,” Jungkook told him. It hurt him to see Jimin in pain, especially knowing that he was the reason for it. “Is there anything I can do?”

 

“Yeah, can you give me a blanket? I’m really cold.”

 

Jungkook did as told, wrapping the comforter around his shivering torso.

 

“Are you just feeling cold? Do you want coffee or something?”

 

“N-No I’m fi—”

 

Jimin fell backwards, fainting in the middle of his sentence.

 

“JIMIN!” Jungkook called out, shaking his shoulders to wake him up. He leaned down and pressed his ear to the Jimin’s mouth, hearing his breaths. They were normal, as far as Jungkook could tell.

 

“Jimin, wake up, please!” Jungkook yelled, smacking his cheek to wake him.

 

After a few moments, Jimin’s eyes slowly opened. He was confused, and languid. His eyes closed shut again.

 

Jungkook lifted him up into his arms, carrying him to the bathroom and setting him down in the tub. He turned the shower knob, letting them both get hit with cold water.

 

“Come on! Wake up, Jimin! Please!” Jungkook cried, smacking his hollowed cheeks.

 

Jimin awoke, his eyes opening wide.

 

“W-What happ—”

 

“I’m sorry, Jimin,” Jungkook cried, tears blending together with the water pouring over them. “I fucked up. I fucked up big time and I regret it so fucking much.”

 

“What do you mean?” Jimin asked confusedly. He was still in a daze, unsure of how he ended up in a tub fully clothed with a crying Jungkook.

 

“I shouldn't have left you. I know you never wanted to hurt me and I was stupid for thinking you would. I get that it's just your job and Taehyung and whoever else mean nothing to you. I know you care about me and I’m sorry for doubting that for a second.”

 

All Jimin could do was nod. He was freezing under the water, but somehow Jungkook’s words made him feel warm.

 

“I-I love you, Jungkook,” he told him. “I’m sorry I couldn't show you that properly. I want to show you better if you’ll let me.”

 

Jungkook smiled through his tears, relief flowing through him. “Yes. I love you too. Let's not be stupid and part anymore.”

 

Jimin nodded, a warm smile pulling at his lips. Jungkook leaned forward, cupping Jimin’s face in his hands. Their lips pressed together, both of them kissing each other like their lives depended on it.

 

“You scared the hell out of me,” Jungkook sighed when they parted.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jimin smiled, shivering from the cold water.

 

Jungkook turned the water off, helping Jimin take off his wet clothes.

 

It was his biggest fear as Jimin’s boyfriend, losing him to drugs. He knew to take him under the water because he had looked up how to save someone who was overdosing, just as a precaution. It was a terrifying thought, and seeing Jimin pass out like that assured him that being apart from Jimin was the last thing Jungkook ever wanted. He didn't care what happened between them, he knew he wanted to be with Jimin no matter what. No matter how loud Hoseok would scream when they return home hand-in-hand.


	5. pt v ; hurt

**pt. v ; hurt**

 

 

 

 

Shorty after the two got back together things went back to normal. They found a nicer apartment near Jungkook’s university and Jimin promised to smoke outside in the parking lot where no one would be the wiser. Jimin also got back in contact with Taehyung, who was quite pissed that Jimin vanished for weeks but forgave him anyway.

 

Jimin moved past his withdrawal stage, still craving drugs here and there but he refused to do anything other than weed. With Jungkook’s help he went back to his normal weight instead of the scrawny stick-looking boy he was on their trip to Jeju. It was safe to say that life was going great again. Jungkook was passing his classes and Jimin was selling drugs successfully.

 

Probably the best news was that Hoseok and Jimin were finally getting along! Even though Hoseok had a lot of resentment towards the younger boy, he soon fell victim to his charm and forgot all about his infidelity.

 

Jimin was still under pressure by Taehyung to make him feel good, but he had done a good job of avoiding it with excuses.

 

“I don't feel good.”

 

“I’m going on a date with Jungkook.”

 

“I didn't shower this morning.”

 

It had reached a point where he was sure Taehyung had almost gotten the message, but one day at the brothel (yes, they had an underground drug business in a brothel) Taehyung called Jimin into one of the rooms, a man stood next to him.

 

Jimin crept in slowly, closing the door behind him.

 

“What's up?”

 

Taehyung looked down. He adjusted the belt hooked to his velvety purple suit.

 

“I need you to take care of someone, okay?”

 

The man next to him looked Jimin up and down, a half smile pulling on his face. He was handsome.

 

“What does he need?” Jimin asked, catching the man’s gaze.

 

“He needs to be taken care of...in the way you sometimes take care of me.” Taehyung murmured, finally looking up at Jimin.

 

“What?” Jimin shuttered. He suddenly felt his heart race, fear taking over his body. “What the fuck do you mean? You want me to fuck this stranger?!”

 

“Jimin!” Taehyung yelled. He quickly bowed to the man, excusing himself as he grabbed Jimin and pulled him out of the room.

 

“What the fuck, Taehyung! You know I have Jungkook. I can't do this shit for you. Get one of the whores to do it!”

 

“No one’s available,” Taehyung told him. “Everyone's booked and you’re not doing anything right now!”

 

Jimin was shocked. Taehyung really didn't see him as a friend anymore. He was simply a coworker to him. One that he could push around in any way he pleased.

 

“You think I’m going to give my body away to some stranger when I have a loving boyfriend at home?! It’s hard enough having to be touched by you!”

 

Taehyung paused. He saw the anger in Jimin’s eyes and knew he meant every word.

 

“You…what?”

 

“I hate being touched by you! Why do you think I always avoid it? Why did you think I never once came while you were fucking me? It’s fucking weird and I never liked it, not even once!”

 

Taehyung became red, embarrassment taking over. Maybe he thought Jimin was just shy or maybe he never really thought about how Jimin felt at all. But to be weirded out by his touch, he just couldn’t accept that.

 

“He’d paying five times what we usually get for this. I’ll give you eighty percent if you do this,” Taehyung told him, totally ignoring Jimin’s words.

 

“W-What?”

 

“This kind of money will change everything Jimin. Don't keep him waiting or he’ll walk. I wouldn't have asked you to do this if it wasn't huge.”

 

Suddenly the door opened, revealing the man, who had wavy black hair and wore a red suit.

 

“Well, Taehyung?” he said calmly.

 

Taehyung looked to Jimin, who was still terrified and angry.

 

That night when Jimin got home, he came in quietly, so as not to wake Jungkook. He crept quietly into the bathroom, turning on the light and locking the door shut.

 

He stepped in front of the mirror, examining himself deeply. Tired, worn out eyes. That was normal. Pink lips from all the nervous biting. Again, normal.

 

A dark purple hickey etched right on the corner of his neck and collarbone. Not normal.

 

He sighed, tears falling from his eyes.

 

 _What the fuck have I done_.

  
  


The next morning Jimin woke up early before Jungkook and hopped in the shower to clean himself for the third time since the night before. No matter how hard he scrubbed he couldn't stop feeling disgusted.

 

The hickey on his neck was still prominent on his skin, causing him to briefly freak out then decide to wear a turtleneck for the day. He got dressed in a coat and jeans, leaving to get breakfast before Jungkook could wake.

 

He brought back food, hearing the sound of Jungkook singing in the shower when he returned.

 

“HYUNG?!” Jungkook called when he heard the door open. Just the sound of his voice alone made Jimin feel teary-eyed.

 

“Yes, baby,” Jimin responded, setting up the coffee machine. He heard the water stop in the shower.

 

“Where were you?” Jungkook asked, stepping out the bathroom fully nude. He wiped his hair off with a towel as he entered the kitchen. “I didn't see you come in last night and you were gone when I woke up.”

 

Jimin let Jungkook plant a sweet kiss on his lips before putting the coffee grounds in the percolator.

 

“I came in around midnight. Left this morning to get breakfast.”

 

“Yum!” Jungkook smiled, looking at the food on the table. “You’re the best.”

 

Jimin swallowed before pressing start on the coffee maker.

 

They spent the day lazing around on the couch catching up on their shows and talking about nothing before lunch time came around.

 

“What do you want for lunch?” Jimin asked, wrapping his coat around him again.

 

“Hmm…” Jungkook thought from his spot on the couch. “Jajjangmyeon and white rice?”

 

Jimin chuckled. Jungkook still ate like a bachelor. “Sure thing. I’ll be right back.”

 

He leaned down to give Jungkook a kiss, catching Jungkook staring right at his neck.

 

“Wait, what’s that on your neck?” Jungkook asked, touching the exposed part of Jimin’s neck. The hickey was larger than he remembered. Jungkook pulled the turtleneck down to reveal the whole thing.

 

“Jimin, what is this?”

 

Jimin sighed, closing his eyes briefly. He didn't want to get into this on their day off, especially when everything had been going so well.

 

“You know already,” Jimin told him.

 

“Did Taehyung do this? Taehyung never leaves a mark.”

 

Jimin pulled Jungkook’s hand away from his neck, standing back up straight.

 

“Just forget it.”

 

“Jimin,” Jungkook murmured, following Jimin to the kitchen, which was right by the entrance to their apartment. “Was...was it not Taehyung?”

 

He had his worries that maybe Jimin was forced to be with other people for money, but if Taehyung was really forcing him to do that, he definitely wouldn't just sit idly.

 

“Jungkook, please, just drop it.”

 

“What do you mean just drop it? How could I drop it when you’re sleeping with other people?! I accepted Taehyung but I need to know if there are others, Jimin!”

 

“Why?!” Jimin yelled back. “It has nothing to do with you. I told you you’re the only person I care about.”

 

“Clearly you don't care enough to be honest with me!” Jungkook became red, anger taking over him. “You don't have to protect me from being hurt, Jimin, just tell me honestly!”

 

“I don't want to talk about this with you or anyone,” Jimin admitted. “So just forget it for fuck’s sake!”

 

It was the first time that Jimin cursed at Jungkook. To be honest it hurt him more than the fact that Jimin was being secretive. Being cursed at was more painful than _that_.

 

“Why can't you just talk to me?” Jungkook whispered, holding back tears. “I love you too much to judge you for what you have to do in your job.”

 

“Don't try to act like you’d ever understand the things I have to go through,” Jimin said coldly.

 

He grabbed his keys from the counter and headed for the door.

 

“Jimin!” Jungkook screamed for him to return.

 

Jimin left.

 

Jungkook let himself cry, sobs escaping him without breaks. He felt like his heart had been stepped on a thousand times. Knowing that Jimin didn't feel safe enough with him to talk about these things hurt more than any pain he’d ever felt.

 

He stood there for who knows how long, crying to himself in the kitchen.

 

“Please…” he whispered to the door. He already lost Jimin once he didn't want to do it again.

 

He didn't even care if Jimin had to have sex with other people for money. It didn't change the fact that he treated Jungkook like a king, always loving him and complimenting him and doing whatever he wanted.

 

Jungkook nearly broke down when he heard the door open to reveal Jimin coming in, a bag in his hand.

 

Jungkook sat backwards onto a chair at the counter, lost for words. He let himself cry even harder when Jimin put the bag down on the counter and engulfed him into his arms. He felt the warmth of Jimin’s chest as he wrapped his arms around his waist.

 

“I’m sorry,” Jimin said as he held Jungkook’s head in his hands, wiping away his tears with his thumbs.

 

“I shouldn’t have said that. I love you so much, Jungkook,” he whispered to him, letting Jungkook cry it out. “You’re the only person I love.”

 

The younger boy nodded, a feeling of relief washing over him. Jimin tilted Jungkook’s head upwards, leaning down to press their lips together in a loving kiss.

 

“I shouldn’t have pushed you if you didn't want to talk about it,” Jungkook managed to say when he stopped crying.

 

“No, you had every right to ask. If it was the other way around I would've flipped.”

 

Jungkook looked down shyly. Jimin’s eyes always got to him.

 

“Jajjangmyeon and white rice,” Jimin said, moving back over to the counter and pulling food out from the bag.

 

Jungkook smiled, sniffling away his tears. “I love you, Park Jimin.”

 

“I know,” he teased, that heart-shattering smile pulling at his lips.

 

After dinner Jimin excused himself to the bathroom, where he examined himself again. He slowly pulled down his turtleneck, revealing the dark bruise. He also had bruises on his wrists and scratches on his back from the man tugging him as he pounded him roughly into the bed while Jimin fought to get him off.

 

Jungkook stood at the door silently, staring as Jimin touched his neck, tears streaming down his face while he looked silently.

 

He was crying.

 

Jungkook stepped forward, taking Jimin into his arms. They shared a silence as Jimin cried into Jungkook’s shoulder. Jungkook held the back of his head, bringing them closer together. He fought back his own tears.

 

“I didn't want to,” Jimin cried. “I said no. They...they made me—”

 

“Stop,” Jungkook told him. “You don’t have to do this.”

 

Jimin tightened his hug with Jungkook, not wanting even a centimeter of space between them.

 

 _I’ll fucking kill Taehyung_ , Jungkook thought to himself. _That bastard doesn't deserve to breathe._

 

“H-He said he would give me eighty percent, and that the guy was paying five times what the others usually get. I told them to go fuck themselves but Taehyung pushed me inside the room with him and locked me in,” Jimin tried to keep from sobbing but it didn't work. He was shaken and scared.

 

“And this guy took advantage of you?” Jungkook asked. He was livid, ready to murder Taehyung with his own hands.

 

Jimin nodded. “It's not the first time Taehyung has done this to me. But he always apologized and gave me things afterwards.”

 

“Please, Jimin,” Jungkook begged, pulling away from him. “Leave Taehyung. He’s poisonous.”

 

Jimin was pink, face flushed from crying so hard.

 

“I beg of you. I will help you find something else, _anything_ else. If I have to see you like this one more time I may actually kill him. I don't even trust myself not to do it right now.”

 

Jimin nodded. After that night, seeing how easily Taehyung just shoved him into a room with a stranger and locked him in there, he was sure that kid from Daegu he met in fourth grade was dead and gone, and a monster took his place.

 

“Okay,” Jimin nodded. “Okay.”


	6. pt. vi ; jimin

**pt. vi ; jimin**

 

 

 

 _this is how it ends_  
_i feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream_  
_fading out again_  
_i feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream..._

_so tell me when it kicks in_

  
  


It was one of those cold nights in summer. Chilly winds ruffled through the curtains in the balcony of Jungkook and Jimin’s apartment. They were stood on the balcony, looking up at the foggy night sky and talking about their imaginary family in the future, one of their favorite pastimes.

 

“Little Mingook would be getting ready for bed now, picking out his monkey pajamas and blue socks,” Jungkook smiled, playing with Jimin’s hand, which was on the railing.

 

“He wants me to read him the Princess and the Frog again, even though we’ve read it to him a million times,” Jimin tells him.

 

“Eventually we’d give in and read it. At that point we’ve memorized half the lines.”

 

They chuckled together softly.

 

“Jungkook,” Jimin murmured.

 

“Jimin?” Jungkook looked at him.

 

Jimin sighed, taking Jungkook’s hand.

 

“I don't want to sit out here and fantasize about the perfect life with you in the middle of the night.”

 

“What? But I thought you liked—”

 

“I don't want to fantasize anymore, baby,” Jimin continued. “I want to do this. For real. I want to here with you until we’re covered in wrinkles and can’t walk anymore.”

 

“What are you saying?” Jungkook asked. He was confused. He thought they were already in it forever.

 

Jimin gave him a strange look. The kind of look he only does when he's nervous.

 

“I’m saying I’m tired of daydreaming.” He let go of Jungkook’s hand, lowering himself slowly to the balcony floor, resting one knee on the ground.

 

Jungkook gasped, covering his mouth in shock.

 

Jimin smiled softly, pulling a little box out from his back pocket.

 

“I know it's not the most expensive ring in the world, but I’ve been saving up for this for a while... Pretty much since I met you on the street after your shift. Ever since my senior year of high school you've been there for me for no good reason. You've put up with shit no one should have to put up with, just for my sake. I put you through hell and back, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. No Taehyung, no drugs, no distractions. I want to dedicate everything to loving you right.”

 

Jungkook had practically been sobbing since Jimin pulled out the ring. He nodded his head quickly, accepting Jimin’s proposal.

 

“Yes,” he managed to let out through his tears. “God, yes.”

 

Jimin grinned, his eyes glazed over with tears. He took the ring out of the box and slipped it onto Jungkook’s finger.

 

“Perfect fit,” he smiled, raising himself to his feet.

 

“Perfect fit,” Jungkook repeated, pulling Jimin in for a sweet and passionate kiss.

 

He couldn't believe Jimin was his. Truly and completely _his_. No strings attached.

 

“I just… I just love you.” Jungkook said when they pulled apart.

 

“I just love you too.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


A year passed and Jungkook and Jimin were able to settle down like they’d always envisioned on the balcony of their cheap apartment. They weren't married with children or living luxurious lives in Gangnam, but they were happy. Just happy.

 

Jimin had been sober for a year, and Jungkook was entering his senior year of college. He managed to land a job at a startup company in town and commuted to and from school and work.

 

Jimin worked as a barista and delivery guy at two different places. He worked two jobs to fill in the hours when Jungkook was either studying at school or caught up at work. He didn't mind if it meant they could bring in some extra money.

 

It had been a year since Jimin had any contact with Taehyung. After he proposed to Jungkook they moved to a better apartment in Seoul and he changed his phone number, making it nearly impossible for Taehyung to find him. He was glad to be free from his reign, but he couldn't help but feel slightly bad about abandoning a childhood friend. Especially since they were also business partners.

 

On the brightside, Jimin had become much closer to Hoseok. They had a lot of common interests, like dancing. They both performed when they were younger and still loved dancing. Sometimes they would get together on the weekend while Jungkook was away and go to hip hop class together.

 

Despite how great things were going for the two of them, a strange feeling crept up inside of Jimin every now and then. A familiar urge to take something. A pill or two. Maybe even have a drink. To feel.

 

It usually came when Jungkook would leave and he knew it’d be hours before he came back. It was why he decided to get a second job in the first place, to distract him from those intrusive thoughts.

 

The delivery job was only part time though, which still left Jimin with several hours alone in their apartment. Alone with his thoughts.

 

One morning, Jimin found himself jolting awake from a dream. It was one of those rare days when he'd awake before Jungkook.

 

In the dream, he was back in the brothel, Taehyung shoving blue pills in his hand and telling him to be quiet. Without hesitation, Jimin downed the pills. He didn't count them but he swallowed every last one, his heart beating faster and faster with each pill. His heart beat so fast that he awoke in a cold sweat.

 

Jimin looked over at Jungkook who was still fast asleep.

 

_What the hell was that?_

 

He got up slowly and made his way to the kitchen for a glass of water.

 

It was the first time in a year that he'd thought about taking drugs so extensively. He was completely clean of them, but he supposed that old habits die hard. After all, he _had_ been doing them for most of his life.

 

 _Maybe just one little joint_ , he thought.

 

“No!” he told himself out loud. He couldn't revert back to his old ways of being dependent on marijuana to calm down. _Jungkook_ was supposed to be his way of calming down.

 

“But Jungkook is always gone,” Jimin whispered to himself. In the distance, he heard the bedroom door open.

 

“Jimin?” Jungkook called in a groggy morning voice.

 

“Hi, baby,” Jimin smiled at him while putting down his water.

 

“What's going on, why are you up?” Jungkook asked while approaching him sleepily.

 

“Nothing I was just thirsty,” Jimin assured him.

 

“Come back to bed, I miss you.”

 

Jimin did as told, taking Jungkook's hand and following him back into bed. Jungkook laid on his chest.

 

“Are you okay?” Jungkook asked drowsily. “Your heart’s pounding.”

 

“Yeah, just a little nightmare,” Jimin admitted.

 

“Poor baby,” Jungkook murmured before falling back to sleep. Jimin lied there with Jungkook on his chest, thinking about his dream over and over again.

 

A couple of days had passed and Jimin couldn't shake that dream from his mind.

 

Every night he was waking up from dreams of himself being high, shoving pills down his throat, snorting crushed vicodin, smoking weed until he was literally floating on air.

 

He’d read up on stories of former addicts suddenly wanting to use again, but he was confident that it wouldn't happen to him, because his love for Jungkook was stronger than his desire to be high.

 

He thought he was so confident, but found himself calling Taehyung on the phone, shaking.

 

“You're dead, Jimin. I’ll fucking kill you myself,” Taehyung yelled at him over the phone.

 

“Tae, I know you're mad at me—”

 

“Mad? You think I'm mad?! I’m livid! You disappeared. Left me to do all the dirty work myself. You had clients, Jimin. People that depended on you, trusted _you._ You think they stuck around once they noticed you were AWOL? No! They left! Half of our business _gone_.”

 

“I’m sorry, okay!” Jimin told him. He was in the garage, huddled into a corner on the phone. Jungkook was inside with some groupmates working on a presentation.

 

“I’ll admit I should have handed over my clients before that. But you need to remember what you did to me that day! Locking me in a room with a stranger so you could make a quick buck!”

 

“Oh, please, is that why you left? Don't act like you haven't fucked guys for money before.”

 

Jimin sighed, closing his eyes as a tear streamed down his face.

 

“Taehyung, I'm begging you. I need _something._ Anything.”

 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Jimin? I haven't heard from you in over a year and you call me up asking for drugs?!”

 

“ _You_ did this to me, Taehyung!” Jimin finally burst. “You introduced this shit to me, manipulated me into thinking I needed it, convinced me to give up all of my dreams to sell drugs and my own _body_ in the basement of some brothel at the red light district. You ruined my life, my mind, my spirit. The _least_ you could fucking do is finish the job!”

 

“What do you mean finish the job?” Taehyung asked him.

 

“I'm done with you, Taehyung,” Jimin told him. “I'm done with the business and I'm done hurting Jungkook. I want you to give me all of my earnings and leave me the fuck alone. Forever.”

 

“Your earnings?” Taehyung laughed. “Are you asking to be bought out with drugs? You're fucking pathetic, Jimin. You know it, I know it, your precious little Jungkook knows it.”

 

“You shut the _fuck_ up about Jungkook. You don't know shit.”

 

“No, I do know shit, Jimin. You're just as awful as me. You had him thinking he was your whole world while you were living this double life fucking me and anything else with a lighter. Look at you, calling me up looking to get high again. How disappointed would he be if he knew? Where is he anyway? At school? Work? The room nextdoor?”

 

“Fuck you!” Jimin yelled, standing up. He bit his lip, trying not to let Taehyung hear him cry.

 

Taehyung laughed.

 

“You said I could walk out anytime. That was the deal.”

 

“You walked out a year ago.”

 

“Exactly. I’m done with your god forsaken business. Now I want what you owe me.”

 

“And why the fuck should I give you anything?!”

 

“You said it yourself I’m pathetic,” Jimin explained. “I can go to the police station right now and admit everything to them. They would cut me a deal for bringing the Seoul PD’s biggest nuisance down. Jungkook would be hurt but he could get over me and live a better life, one without me. I don't have anything to lose, Tae. It's your call.”

 

“We've known each other our whole lives. You wouldn't do it.”

 

“No, I knew Kim Taehyung,” Jimin told him. “I loved him like a brother. I don't know who this monster is I’m talking to now.”

 

“I could just kill you. End this problem now.”

 

Jimin laughed. “That's a fucking joke. I know how much I mean to you. I know the reason you've been so possessive of me is because you want me all to yourself, and the feeling was never mutual. Kill me? You would sooner kill yourself.”

 

After a pause, Taehyung cleared his throat.

 

“Fine,” he agreed. “I’ll make you a nice goodie bag of drugs, that sound good?”

 

“And you swear to never get involved with me or Jungkook again. That includes any of your friends or clients. I don't want any trace of you.”

 

“It's not like I’m the one seeking you out.”

 

“Do you agree or not?!”

 

“Fine! Damn it, Jimin, you really don't value our relationship at all?”

 

“Tell me anything worth valuing and I will.”

  
  
  
  
  


Jungkook finished buttoning up his shirt then tucked it into his black skinny jeans. He was getting ready for class. He had a presentation with his group about the depreciating value of the music business. Jimin was out in the kitchen sitting at the counter on his phone. He had been texting all morning, which was frankly odd because he really didn't have friends.

 

“How do I look?” Jungkook asked him as he stepped out of the bathroom.

 

Jimin looked up at him, eyeing him up and down. A grin pulled at his lips as he stood up and approached Jungkook.

 

“You look breathtaking,” Jimin told him while stealing a kiss. “You’ll do great.”

 

“I'm kinda nervous?” Jungkook sighed. “But I’ll just think of you and it’ll go away.”

 

Jimin chuckled. “I’ll always be with you in spirit.”

 

Jungkook smiled, giving Jimin one more kiss goodbye before grabbing his laptop and leaving for school. It was a fifteen minute walk to school but he was used to it and didn't mind. It gave him time to practice his mini speech.

 

As soon as Jungkook was gone, Jimin took his phone out and texted Taehyung.

 

**Jungkook is gone. Are you close?**

 

**> Outside**

 

Jimin pulled on a jacket and headed out there. He saw Taehyung standing at the driveway, black bag in hand.

 

“A tote bag?” Jimin said as he approached the taller boy.

 

“Oh sorry I wasn't sure of the proper edicate for delivering a drug addict doggy bag.”

 

“Aren't you literally a drug dealer?” Jimin mocked as he took the bag from Taehyung’s hand.

 

“I prefer the term businessman.”

 

Jimin opened up the bag and looked inside. There was an ounce of weed, an array of different colored pills, and even some cocaine.

 

“Don't take it all at once,” Taehyung nudged to Jimin.

 

“Thanks for the advice.” Jimin turned around, ready to leave.

 

“Wait!” Taehyung called. “No cheesy goodbyes?”

 

“What’s the point?” Jimin turned back to him.

 

Taehyung shrugged. “Well we're never going to see each other again. I thought maybe that would constitute some final words.”

 

“You said your final words on the phone last night. I'm pathetic, a whore, a drug addict, remember?”

 

“Those weren't final words, those were angry, frustrated words. I didn't really mean them.”

 

Jimin couldn't help but chuckle. “Really?”

 

“Look, Jimin, I know we’ve had a really complicated history with each other. I did some unspeakable things that I’m not proud of, but so did you.”

 

“What's your point Taehyung?”

 

“My point is that I'm… sorry, if that really affected you throughout the years. I don't know how to be sane when it comes to you, and most of the time you ended up suffering for it. You say I ruined your life. If that's the case I'm sorry. Just take care, alright?”

 

Jimin nodded, surprised that Taehyung was apologizing for all the shit that he'd done.

 

“We have been through a lot. Let's stop doing that now,” Jimin told him.

 

Taehyung nodded. “I hope you and that kid have a good life.”

 

“Jungkook. That kid is Jungkook. And don't forget our agreement.”

 

“Leave you and him alone, I know.”

 

“Well,” Jimin sighed. “Bye.”

 

“Bye, Park Jimin.”

 

“Bye, Kim Taehyung.”

 

They both turned their separate ways and Jimin went back to the front door, heading inside with enough drugs to wipe out a small town.

 

Jungkook was almost at the school when he received a text from one of his groupmates.

 

**Don't forget the powerpoint file! I know how you forget!!**

 

 _Shit_.

 

Jungkook forgot to grab his flash drive on his way out. He turned around and quickly started walking back home.

 

Jimin went into the garage, turning on the light and removing his jacket.

 

He felt his heart race with anticipation to finally use again. He’d been wanting to smoke weed for weeks but now that he had options, he found himself picking up the bottle of colorful little pills. It was MDMA, or commonly known as ecstasy/molly. Jimin used to take this with Taehyung on the weekends when they first moved to Seoul. He had developed a high tolerance for MDMA over the years, so he grabbed a couple pills and placed them in his palm.

 

Suddenly an image of Jungkook flashed into his mind.

 

_“All I asked of you was to keep the drugs out of the house. We have been kicked out three times because you couldn't even do that much. We live in the sketchiest place ever because we can't be around people that may get you caught. I had to lie to my friends about why I keep moving around and why they can't come over. Not even Hoseok talks to me anymore and I didn't even mention it! I let you do whatever you wanted because I love you and I didn't want to risk losing you. I’ve enabled you to the point where I am the one suffering for it.”_

 

Jungkook turned the corner onto their street, fast walking as he got closer to their home. He saw someone coming from the opposite direction, a tall, thin boy with pink highlights in his dark brown hair.

 

“Is that…” he whispered to himself. As he got closer the boy came into better view.

 

It was Kim Taehyung. And he was clearly coming from their home.

 

Taehyung noticed him too, and he shot Jungkook a sly grin as they passed each other.

 

“Jungkook…” Taehyung said in an eerie, low tone.

 

A tinge of panic hit Jungkook. He looked back at Tae, who kept walking down the street. He stopped for a second before turned back to the house.

 

“Jimin.”

 

He picked up the pace and sprinted back to their house. A bad feeling sunk into his stomach as he reached the house and bursted through the front door.

 

“Jimin! Jimin, where are you!” Jungkook yelled looking around. When he didn't hear a response he ran to their bedroom.

 

“Jimin?!” He called. No one was inside.

 

He ran to the bathroom. No one.

 

“Jimin, where are you?!” Jungkook called, his body quickly starting a panic attack. He heard music coming through the walls. From the garage.

 

_Why is he in the garage?_

 

Jungkook went into the hall with the garage and saw the door was wide open. He heard a thud.

 

Jungkook ran into the garage. His heart sunk into his gut.

 

“JIMIN!” The younger boy yelled as he saw Jimin on the ground convulsing.

 

Jimin was drenched in sweat from head to toe, his face red as he choked on the ground.

 

“HYUNG!” Jungkook yelled, lowering himself to Jimin on the ground.

 

Jimin was seizing in the ground, tears falling from his eyes.

 

Jungkook turned him to the side, body shaking from fear.

 

“Breathe, Jimin, please, just fucking breathe!”

 

Jimin was becoming less responsive, his mouth starting to bubble with foam.

 

“JIMIN!” Jungkook sobbed. Jungkook grabbed Jimin’s phone which had landed next to him and called 911.

 

“PLEASE HELP HE’S OVERDOSING!” Jungkook yelled, unable to keep his emotions together.

 

Jimin held Jungkook's collar, trying to get his attention.

 

Jungkook looked at him, sobbing uncontrollably as the phone fell from his ear.

 

“Stay with me, Jimin. Please, just hold on!”

 

“Ah…. ah…” Jimin mumbled, but he couldn't speak. His eyes rolled to the back of his head.

 

“JIMIN, STOP THIS PLEASE JUST HOLD ON FOR ME.”

 

Jungkook grabbed his face, shaking Jimin until he looked at him.

 

“I can't live without you, Jimin. I love you please stay with me,” he cried.

 

Jimin’s grasp on Jungkook's collar faltered, his hand falling to the floor.

 

“J-Jimin….”

 

The silver-haired boy went flacid. He was no longer shaking on the ground. He was completely still. Lifeless.

 

“J-J….”

 

Jungkook stared at him. There was no way. It couldn't be possible.

 

“Hyung, wake up. This isn't funny.”

 

Jungkook slapped his cheeks the way he did that night in Jeju when Jimin passed out in front of him.

 

Jimin didn't blink, his eyes half open.

 

Jungkook listened to his mouth, waiting for any signs of breath.

 

Nothing.

 

“No… n-no, this can't…..”

 

Jungkook shook him again. He shook his whole body, prompting for him to awake.

 

“WAKE UP!” he screamed. “JIMIN, WAKE UP.”

 

The emergency operator was still trying to communicate with him over the phone, but Jungkook couldn't hear.

 

Jungkook grabbed Jimin and hugged him, holding him in his arms while he was still somewhat warm. He cried and cried into his boyfriend’s shoulder. This couldn't be it. It couldn't.

 

He started performing CPR on Jimin. Going on in tears for almost ten minutes before the police finally arrived.

 

“They're over here!” An EMT called when he spotted Jungkook trying to pump life into Jimin’s pale, unmoving body.

 

The other EMT’s came in, helping to yank a screaming Jungkook away from Jimin.

 

“HELP HIM!” Jungkook screamed as they looked at Jimin and then to each other sadly. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING STANDING AROUND? DO YOUR JOBS AND HELP HIM!”

 

“Please get an officer and get him out of here,” one of them whispered.

 

“HE’S NOT BREATHING!” Jungkook cried. “MAKE HIM BREATHE!”

 

It took three police officers to haul Jungkook away from the scene, opening the garage door to take him outside.

 

“Please help him,” Jungkook kept saying. He was in shock, repeating it over and over again. It wasn't real. Even when the EMT’s covered his fiancé with a sheet, and declared his time of death.

 

It wasn't real.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Hoseok held Jungkook in his arms at the hospital.

 

“Holy _fuck_ , Jungkook, I am so sorry.”

 

Jungkook didn't say a word. He didn't react.

 

“I can't believe it,” Hoseok cried. “This is so fucked up. I just can't believe this happened. This isn't supposed to happen. He didn't deserve this. No one deserves this.”

 

Jungkook stared at the porcelain white walls of the hospital, hands by his side as Hoseok continued to cry and give his sympathies.

 

“I was messaging him this morning. He sent me a song to listen to,” Hoseok cried.

 

When he realized Jungkook wasn't hugging him back, he pulled away.

 

“How are you doing? I can't even imagine…”

 

Jungkook didn't respond. Didn't even look up. His eyes were rimmed pink from crying so hard, but now, he was frozen.

 

“You're in shock,” Hoseok told him.

 

An officer came up to them, knocking on the door as he entered.

 

“Jeon Jungkook-ssi,” he said.

 

Jungkook remained stoic, unmoving.

 

“I'm sorry, officer, he's not really in any condition to speak right now.”

 

“I know,” he nodded. “I just wanted to give my condolences and tell him that Park Jimin’s death has been ruled an accidental overdose.”

 

“Accidental?” Hoseok asked.

 

“Yes. It seems that he used to be a heavy drug user and went clean for a long time before starting again today,” the officer told them sadly. “A common mistake old users make is that they think they can handle as much as they used to, unaware that their tolerance has gone down. It would also seem that the MDMA that Park Jimin-ssi used was laced with other heavy chemicals including cocaine, a lethal combination.”

 

“So he took pills that were laced, and that caused him to overdose?”

 

“Unfortunately, yes,” the officer nodded. “Had he only taken one he may have been fine, but because he used to have a high tolerance, he took three, unaware that his body couldn't handle that anymore. It was too much and he suffered heatstroke and cardiac arrest, which caused the seizing and inability to breathe. He was most likely hallucinating and confused before collapsing.”

 

“Jesus.”

 

“When the doctor clears Jungkook and he can go home, we’d like to talk to him just to get some more information about the victim.”

 

“You can talk to me I was a close friend of Jimin,” Hoseok told him. “I don't think Jungkook will be ready for that any time soon.”

 

“Oh, okay. We just need some more details about what Jimin was doing that day, and his former drug use, if either of you know.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Sir,” a young man said walking into Taehyung’s office cautiously.

 

“What is it now, Namjoon?”

 

“Isn't this the old co-founder?” He brought up a touchscreen and handed it to Taehyung, allowing him to read the local news article.

  
  


FORMER BUSAN DANCER DIES OF ACCIDENTAL DRUG OVERDOSE

  
  


The tablet slipped through Taehyung’s fingers, landing on the ground and shattering.

 

It was a picture of Jimin.

 

“It's him isn't it?” Namjoon asked. “Oh my god.”

 

Taehyung lowered himself to the ground, unable to stand.

 

“I… I…”

 

“Sir, are you okay?” Namjoon asked worriedly. “Do you need anything?”

 

Taehyung ripped off his suit jacket. It felt like he couldn't breathe.

 

“I… gave that to him. I did that, I _killed_ … the only person I've ever loved.”


	7. pt. vii ; epilogue

**pt. vii ; epilogue**

  
  
_oh, no, no, don't leave me lonely now_  
_if you loved me how'd you never learn?_  
_oh, colored crimson in my eyes_  
_one or two could free my mind_  
_this is how it ends_

 

 

“Hey, you're up,” Hoseok smiled as Jungkook stepped out of the room.

 

Jungkook rubbed his sleepy eyes as he approached his friend. He sat on the couch quietly.

 

“How are you?” Hoseok asked, bringing him some coffee. Jungkook accepted the coffee, but didn't drink it.

 

It had been one month since Jimin was gone.

 

“Do you want to talk today?”

 

“Sure,” Jungkook murmured. His voice was hoarse, like he’d been crying all night.

 

“Good, that's progress,” Hoseok nodded, taking a sip of his own coffee. “What’s been on your mind?”

 

Jungkook looked down into his coffee. He tried to picture anything from the lines in the creamer.

 

“I… have a hole inside me,” Jungkook admitted. His work had put him on a temporary leave and assigned him to a grief counselor to work through the pain of losing Jimin. He barely said two sentences to his counselor, causing them to transfer him to someone new. He pretended to go to the sessions when in reality he would go back to their old apartment and cry in their bedroom. He’d visit the garage and fall to his knees in tears, remembering it all. He would sit on the couch and think about all of their memories, their conversations, the cuddling, the fights, making love.

 

“A hole?” Hoseok asked.

 

Jungkook nodded meekly.

 

“It's a big black hole, sucking the life out of me,” he told him. “Leaving me tired and empty. And the only person that could make it better is gone...”

 

“You were in shock for a long time. Do you remember that?” Hoseok asked him.

 

“No, not really.”

 

“That day they took you to the hospital you were kicking and screaming. Then they told you he was DOA and you just froze. You wouldn't speak, didn't look at anyone, nothing. Every now and then I could hear you crying at night but for the most part it was like you had died with him. Jeon Jungkook wasn't there, only a shell of him.”

 

“When he… when he died I couldn't believe it. I thought I was passed out and having a nightmare. But then I wouldn't wake up. I’d go to sleep, get up and it was still true. He’s gone. He’s never coming back. I’ll never talk to him again, hear his voice, see his smile, hold him close. I couldn't wrap my head around it,” Jungkook explained. “I didn't understand why he would do this to me. Why he would do such a thing. He was clean for so long, why throw it all away? If he was craving why couldn't he just  _ talk _ to me instead of calling that fucking monster?”

 

“Taehyung?”

 

“Yes,” Jungkook felt his heart start to race as he remembered. “I knew once I saw Taehyung on the street that day something wasn't right. My heart sank into my stomach and I knew I needed to get to him fast.”

 

Jungkook's eyes filled with tears as he remembered that day.

 

“I told him I love him and he just died.”

 

Hoseok touched his shoulder. “You don't have to continue.”

 

“He tried to tell me something but he couldn't breathe,” Jungkook cried, his hands starting to shake. “I’ll never know what he wanted to say.”

 

“Probably that he was sorry and that he loves you.”

 

“He didn't want to die,” Jungkook cried. “He didn't want to die.”

 

“Let's just talk about something el—”

 

“He didn't want me to know because he was ashamed,” Jungkook told him. “He was acting so weird before it happened. Waking up in the middle of the night, having these nightmares, talking in his sleep about getting high. He didn't know that I knew he was craving again.”

 

Jungkook got a flash of Jimin's face that day in his mind.

 

“He said he'd always be with me in spirit.”

 

“Jungkook, you don't have to—”

 

“He didn't want to die!” Jungkook yelled, knocking his coffee down in his lap as he said it.

 

“Shit, are you okay? That's hot.” Hoseok put their cups onto the table. He went to the kitchen to grab paper towels.

 

“Sorry,” Jungkook murmured standing up.

 

“No, it's okay.”

 

“I'm going to shower,” Jungkook said walking towards the bathroom.

 

“Okay. I put fresh towels in there earlier.”

 

“Thank you, hyung. For everything. I know I’m a bother—”

 

“No way! I love you, Jungkook. You're no trouble at all.”

 

Jungkook nodded, going into the bathroom and closing the door. He ran a bath and then took off his coffee-stained clothes and piled them onto the floor.

 

_ “How do I look?” Jungkook asked him as he stepped out of the bathroom. _

 

_ Jimin looked up at him, eyeing him up and down. A grin pulled at his lips as he stood up and approached Jungkook. _

 

_ “You look breathtaking,” Jimin told him while stealing a kiss. “You’ll do great.” _

 

_ “I'm kinda nervous?” Jungkook sighed. “But I’ll just think of you and it’ll go away.” _

 

_ Jimin chuckled. “I’ll always be with you in spirit.” _

 

Jungkook stepped into the bath, sinking down and laying in the warm water. He lifted his hand and looked at his engagement ring.

 

_ “I know it's not the most expensive ring in the world, but I’ve been saving up for this for a while... Ever since my senior year of high school you've been there for me for no good reason. You've put up with shit no one should have to put up with, just for my sake. I put you through hell and back, and if you’ll let me, I’d like to spend the rest of my life making it up to you. No Taehyung, no drugs, no distractions. I want to dedicate everything to loving you right.” _

 

Jungkook began to cry again, twisting the ring around his finger as he remembered the night Jimin proposed to him.

 

Jimin would often say how grateful he was to be able to love Jungkook. After all he’d been through he wasn't sure he could love anything, but he was always sure about loving Jungkook. He never held back his feelings for the younger boy. Always reminded him of his love every chance he got. It was like every day was Valentine's Day.

 

“I miss you,” Jungkook cried. He could always feel Jimin in his heart, living inside of him.

 

_ “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Jungkook said, dropping his pen down. “What did you just…?” _

 

_ “I found another good so--” _

 

_ “No, the part about liking someone.” _

 

_ “Oh, that?” Jimin smirked. “Yeah I like you a lot. I have for the longest. So about that song--” _

 

_ “You like me?” _

 

_ “Yes, I have a huge crush on you.” _

 

Jungkook often found himself thinking about the feeling of it all. The defenselessness watching as the one he loved choked to death and he couldn't do a thing to save him. The redness of Jimin's face, the veins poking through his neck. The grip he had on Jungkook's collar.

 

It was exactly Jungkook's worst fear from the beginning.

 

“I can't do this,” Jungkook sobbed, looking at the ring. “I can't do it anymore.”

 

_ “I returned from rehab last night. I left in the middle because it was bullshit,” Jimin said, eyes unmoving from Jungkook’s. “I was tired of hearing that I have a problem or an addiction. I’m fine.” _

 

Jungkook grabbed the razor in the corner of the tub, pulling out the blade inside of it. He could hear Hoseok shuffling around the kitchen beginning to make breakfast.

 

“I can’t go on without you,” Jungkook silently whispered. “You’re apart of me.”

 

Slowly, Jungkook pressed the blade against his wrist. He was hoping it’d be over quickly, so that he could be with Jimin again.

 

He couldn't spend another night sobbing, grieving, remembering. He couldn't scroll through their pictures anymore, aching each time he saw Jimin's smile. He couldn't listen back to all of the his voicemails, clutching his pillow as he listened to Jimin's gentle voice. He couldn't read their old messages anymore, knowing he’d never be able to connect like that with anyone else; not that he'd even want to.

 

Jungkook held his breath, pressing the blade further into his skin until he drew blood. The wound was deep, and he started gushing blood out into the water fast.

 

Before he knew it, Jungkook felt himself getting dizzy, his ears ringing and vision starting to blur. It was happening. He was leaving. In what seemed like moments, Jungkook was passed out.

 

“Shit,” Hoseok said, dropping an egg on the ground. It was the last one.

 

“Jungkook, there's no more eggs. I'm going to the store to get some, okay?”

 

Hoseok grabbed his keys and started towards the door.

 

“Jungkook? Did you hear me?” Hoseok repeated. He paused for Jungkook's response but didn't hear anything.

 

“Jungkook?” Hoseok knocked on the bathroom door. He opened it slowly then walked in, stopping in his tracks when he saw Jungkook in a bath of his own blood, head resting on his shoulder.

 

“JUNGKOOK!” Hoseok screamed, running to the bathtub.

 

“Holy shit, fuck, fuck, oh my god!” Hoseok ran and checked Jungkook's pulse. It was weak, but still there. He tried to control his emotions enough to find his phone and called 911.

  
  
  
  
  
  


“He lost a lot of blood but he’s going to be fine. You saved him right as he passed out,” the doctor assured Hoseok.

 

“Thank god,” Hoseok sighed. “What happens now?”

 

“We’ll have to keep him here by law for a few days for surveillance. And he’ll be assigned to a psychiatrist for attempting suicide.”

 

Hoseok sighed. He didn’t want to add any more burden to Jungkook’s worries.

 

“Are you sure there isn’t a way around that?” Hoseok pleaded with the doctor. “He just lost the most important person in the world to him in an accidental overdose. He was never suicidal or depressed beforehand.”

 

“I’m afraid it’s the law,” the doctor sighed. “Anyone that is a danger to themselves or those around them must be reported to the police.”

 

“The last thing he needs is to be interrogated.”

 

“It’s not an interrogation. More like a mental check-up.”

 

They heard a rustle come from the bed. It was Jungkook’s hand moving.

 

“It looks like he’s waking up,” the doctor said. He checked the machines hooked to him to make sure his vitals were okay. “Jungkook-ssi? You’re in the hospital.”

 

The young boy slowly opened his eyes, adjusting to the light before opening them completely.

 

“Jungkook-ah,” Hoseok held his hand. “You scared the shit out of me, you brat.”

 

Jungkook looked around, taking in the familiar porcelain walls and the smell of bleach and musk. Tears filled his eyes and he couldn’t hold them back.

 

“Jungkook-ssi? What’s wrong?” The doctor asked him.

 

“W-Why?” Jungkook cried. “Why am I here? I wanted to see him again!”

 

The doctor and Hoseok locked eyes. They both knew something was seriously wrong. Most people feel relief or even regret when they survive a suicide attempt, but Jungkook was angry to be alive.

 

“I’ll get the psychiatrist in here ASAP.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Jungkook, we need to get to the root of this,” the psychiatrist said. He was Dr. Kim Seokjin, widely known for helping many idols recover after they have mental breakdowns. He was considered the best of the best in Korea.

 

Jungkook remained silent as he toyed with the hospital band around his wrist.

 

“Everyone grieves in different ways,” Seokjin told him. “But the way you’re going about it shows a dangerous level of codependency. No one should be so dependent on someone that they feel they can’t live without them.”

 

Jungkook read his name on the hospital band over and over. Anything to distract him from the shrink trying to erase his feelings for Jimin.

 

“I feel like maybe… Jimin was more to you than just a roommate?”

 

Jungkook looked at him.

 

“A-ha,” Seokjin nodded. He sat back in his office chair, bringing his hands together in a typical therapist stance. “So you were lovers. That’s perfectly fine, Jungkook.”

 

Jungkook was listening now.

 

“Do you know where the word ‘widow’ comes from?”

 

Jungkook shook his head.

 

“It comes from the Old English word  _ widewe _ . It means ‘be empty’, which perfectly describes the grief that many recent widowers feel.”

 

“We weren’t married,” Jungkook finally spoke.

 

“But you were engaged,” Seokjin pointed to his hand. “You were admitted into the hospital with that engagement ring and you still have it on.”

 

Jungkook touched his ring. He mustered all the strength left in him not to cry. He wouldn’t start crying in therapy.

 

“Am I right?”

 

Jungkook nodded slowly, twisting the ring around his finger.

 

“Even though you didn’t lose your husband, you lost your fiancé. You’re a widower, Jungkook. I’m sure you feel so empty.”

 

The younger boy nodded again, biting his lip to keep himself together.

 

“It’s not uncommon for people to feel suicidal when they lose a significant other. It feels like a part of you has been ripped away. Do you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself, Jungkook?”

 

Jungkook nodded again, a few tears escaping him involuntary.

 

“Can you tell me about that?”

 

“I don’t … I don’t want to,” Jungkook managed to say without choking up. It was too hard to talk about. It was way too painful.

 

“It’s okay, Jungkook. Whatever you say stays in this room. I’m bound by law to keep our doctor/patient confidentiality agreement. And I will never judge you for anything you choose to tell me.”

 

“No,” Jungkook shook his head, looking at Seokjin. “I don’t care about telling you. I’m not ashamed of our love. I don’t  _ want  _ to talk about this. I don’t want to deal with this. I don’t want to move on. I can’t live with myself.”

 

“You don’t want to live a normal life?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why do you think that is?”

 

“It’s not fair!” Jungkook told him. “Why should I live when he’s dead? He never wanted to die!”

 

“That sounds like survivor’s guilt.”

 

“He died in my arms, doctor!” Jungkook yelled. “I watched the light leave his eyes as he stared at me in fear! There wasn’t a fucking thing I could do for him in that moment but to just watch. Of course I have fucking survivor’s guilt!”

 

“You didn’t kill him, Jungkook. The drugs did.”

 

“I certainly didn’t help!”

 

“The EMTs said they saw you performing CPR when they arrived. That sounds like you were trying to help.”

 

“I’m talking about before,” Jungkook told him. “I knew he was craving again. I heard him sleep talking about drugs. I watched him wake up from nightmares and go to the kitchen so he wouldn’t freak me out. I noticed him becoming distant again. And what did I say? Nothing. I pretended not to notice because I didn’t want to pressure him again. And look what fucking happened because I kept my mouth shut.”

 

“Jungkook, you didn’t do this to him. Drug addiction is a disease. He would have found his way to those drugs whether you talked to him about it or not,” Seokjin said. “As someone with a long history of drug use he probably tried to quit several times.”

 

“He was clean for a year.”

 

“Jungkook, do you think you're somehow to blame for him craving again?”

 

Jungkook looked away. He didn’t want to admit it but he always felt that he wouldn’t be good enough to hold Jimin back from his addiction.

 

“Jungkook, you need to understand that drug addiction is something that is nearly impossible to control, especially when you’re dealing with it alone. By hiding his cravings from you, Jimin must have felt really ashamed. You weren’t the cause of him craving again, you were the reason he fought so hard to stop using in the first place.”

 

“Then why couldn’t he just talk to me about it?” Jungkook cried. “Why did he have to go behind my back and do that. Why…”

 

Seokjin passed him a box of tissues.

 

“Like I said, he must have been really ashamed to be craving again. He probably thought he’d overcome his addiction and made you proud. He most likely didn’t want to change the image you had of him after finally getting himself together. Admitting weakness is very hard for people.”

 

“I miss him like hell,” Jungkook cried, wiping his nose with a tissue. “I’m also furious at the same time.”

 

“Furiously that he kept his craving a secret?”

 

“No,” Jungkook shook his head. “Furious that I’m sitting here with you instead of being with him.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The hospital had ordered Jungkook to be under 24 hour surveillance since being released. They removed anything dangerous from the apartment and Hoseok had taken over nights watching Jungkook to make sure he went to sleep. Around 3AM, Hoseok would fall asleep watching Jungkook. One night, Jungkook quietly slipped out from his bed and dressed himself in a black hoodie and jeans. He left his phone on the nightstand next to Hoseok and left the apartment.

 

Jungkook hopped on the night bus and headed downtown to the red light district, where the brothel Jimin worked at was. It wasn’t easy finding it, he had to ask around a bunch of sleazy guys but he was sure he’d found the right place.

 

“Hey, oppa,” a young girl winked at him as he moved passed her to enter the building.

 

“Welcome,” the boy at the front desk said monotonously. “We have a room avai—”

 

“Where’s Kim Taehyung?” Jungkook demanded, taking out a pocket knife and pointing it at the boy. The boy pointed down the hallway to a door that said PRIVATE.

 

Jungkook busted angrily through the door and down the staircase behind it.

 

He heard chatter in the basement as he went down the steps.

 

“Who are you?” one of the men there asked him.

 

“Kim Taehyung!” Jungkook yelled over the man’s shoulder.

 

“Why do you want the boss?” The man asked Jungkook, pushing him slightly.

 

Taehyung came out of his office when he heard the sound of Jungkook’s voice.

 

“Jungkook…”

 

There he was. Standing in front of Jungkook with the dignity of someone that didn’t kill his best friend. His closest friend who he’d known most of his life.

 

“You psycho piece of shit,” Jungkook pushed passed the guy and went to Taehyung.

 

“Hey!” the man yelled, pulling out a gun from his waistband.

 

“Drop it,” Taehyung told him. “Leave us alone, all of you.”

 

“But sir—“

 

“I said leave!” Taehyung yelled. Everyone went up the stairs, leaving Jungkook and Taehyung alone together.

 

“So this is it, huh?” Jungkook looked around. “This is the place where Jimin went off to every day, being forced to do God knows what all day.”

 

“Jungkook, I’m so...”

 

“So what? Sorry? Were you sorry when you locked him in a room and left him to be raped? What room was it? This one? That one?”

 

Jungkook was crying angrily, opening up the doors in the basement they were in.

 

“Jungkook…”

 

“What, Taehyung! Spit it out before I cut your fucking throat.” Jungkook pushed him against the door and pressed the knife against his throat. “I should’ve come here so much earlier. Before it was too late.”

 

Jungkook was flushed with anger, but he saw something he never expected to see in a million years…

 

Taehyung was… crying.

 

“I deserve it,” Taehyung cried. “I deserve anything you want to do to me.”

 

Jungkook looked at him confusedly. He didn’t think Tae had a human bone in his body. He didn’t think he was capable of remorse.

 

“I never wanted to kill him,” Taehyung told him honestly. “He called me asking for drugs. He wanted out and it was his requested form of a final paycheck for all he’s done. If I knew the X was laced I wouldn’t have given it to him.”

 

“Bullshit!” Jungkook yelled. “You’re a sociopath. You wouldn’t bat a lash to hurt anyone that betrayed you. You’ve always taken advantage of Jimin! You fucking molested him for years. You made him believe it was somehow normal to use sex as currency for drugs. Drugs that you got him hooked on. All you’ve done is hurt him from the beginning!”

 

“I loved him!” Taehyung admitted, tears falling endlessly from his eyes. “I loved him so much I did anything to make sure he stuck by me. I wasn’t proud of any of it, but I was blinded by my possessiveness. I didn’t care about what I was doing to him as long as he was next to me.”

 

“That’s  _ not _ love,” Jungkook pressed the knife harder against Taehyung’s throat, threatening the skin there to break. “What I had with him was love. What you had was nothing but pure abuse. You don’t know what love is. You can’t feel it.”

“No,” Taehyung cried, shaking his head. “He’s the only one I ever loved.”

“Don’t you dare call that love!” Jungkook yelled. “You don’t hurt the ones you love!”

“I’m so sorry,” Taehyung sobbed. “I wish I could undo everything. I’m so sorry to you and him.”

“I don’t believe a word you say.”

“I would do anything to help make things up, Jungkook.”

“Then give me what he had,” Jungkook demanded.

“What?” Taehyung asked. “What are you saying?”

“I want what he had. Whatever you have, give it to me.” Jungkook pulled the knife away from Taehyung.

“Are you asking me for  _ drugs _ ?” Taehyung asked, rubbing his throat.

“It’s the least you can do.”

“No,” Taehyung shook his head. “Jimin asked me to protect you. To keep you out of harm’s way. I can’t break his dying wish.”

“What are you talking about? Dying wish?”

“He told me to leave you two alone that day, and then he goes inside and swallows a bunch of ecstacy pills? Jimin wasn’t an idiot, Jungkook. He’s been using for years, he knows how much to take.”

“He was clean for a year, you asshole,” Jungkook cried. “He didn’t realize how much lower his tolerance was.”

  
  


_ “I’ll always be with you in spirit.” _

  
  


“He told me that I got him hooked on drugs and that I should finish the job,” Taehyung admitted. “What do you think that means?”

“Shut up,” Jungkook shook his head. “Just shut up and give me the pills he took. I won’t listen to you anymore.”

“Jungkook, please, just think of him. He wouldn’t want you using.”

“You don’t get to tell me what he would or wouldn’t want.” Jungkook lifted his knife up again. “Hurry.”

Taehyung hesitated, then went into his office and came back out with a pill bottle.

“I hope you two find peace together,” Taehyung said as he handed Jungkook the bottle.

“I wish you could feel the pain he felt all these years.” Jungkook dropped his knife and headed towards the staircase. He went up and moved passed all the security that had been standing behind the door.

Taehyung felt himself fall to the floor. He buried his head into his arms and cried there.

Jungkook stuffed the pill bottle into his pocket as he made his way back to the bus stop. He hopped onto the bus headed to their old apartment, which was still under their name. He hadn’t been paying any rent for months so it was probably going to be evicted soon.

He unlocked the door and went inside. Everything was just the same. Nothing out of place since he and Jimin lived there together.

Jungkook looked around the apartment. Every table, every painting, every corner of each room had a memory attached to it.

He felt Jimin in the air, on the walls, in the cracks of the wooden floor. He was everywhere.

_ Don’t do this _ , he heard Jimin say.  _ Live. For me. _

“I can’t,” Jungkook cried, sitting himself on the heated floor.

_ Yes, you can. I made a mistake. I don’t want it to cost you your life. _

“I have no life without you.”

Then Jungkook could see him, forming in front of his own eyes. He was bright and warm, like an angel.

“Hyung…” he whispered. “I miss you so much.”

_ I miss you too,  _ Jimin smiled warmly. He raised his hand slowly to caress Jungkook’s cheek. Jungkook let himself cry into his palm.

“Are you okay now, hyung?”

Jimin nodded.

_ I’m free now, baby. I’m at peace. No more drugs, no more Taehyung, no more fears. _

“I want to join you,” Jungkook cried. “All I want is to be with you, hyung. I can’t keep doing this. I feel empty and broken without you. You're literally my other half. I’m not whole without you here.”

_ I want to be with you too but I also love watching over you and protecting you. We can be together again but not yet. _

Jungkook shook his head. He didn’t want to wait. He just wanted to lay with him on the couch, go grocery shopping with him, listen to his theories as they watched a movie, fight with him over menial things, and continue to love each other unconditionally.

Jungkook noticed that Jimin was getting brighter and brighter, almost to the point where it hurt his eyes to look at him.

“Hyung?”

_ Oh.  _ Jimin mumbled.  _ Jungkook, I think I have to go. _

“No! Not again! Don’t leave Jimin, please!”

Jungkook’s vision began to blur and his head was spinning. He looked down at his lap and saw pills spread over his legs and floor.

  
  


He had already taken several pills.

  
  
  


Before he had even realized it he stood in front of a bridge, covered under a black hoodie staring out at the water. The sun was showing over the horizon and as it hit his eyes he swore he could see Jimin once again forming against it.

He felt that Jimin was beckoning to him. So he jumped. He jumped into the waters and let himself fall into its embrace. It was surprisingly warm.

_ Jungkook,  _ Jimin whispered under the water.

“Hyung,” Jungkook smiled. “There you are.”

They held each others hands as they fell deeper and deeper into the waters.

Jungkook was happy.


	8. author thank you

wow. so it’s currently 4:08 AM as i’m finishing this and i just want to say firstly THANK YOU to every single one of you that actually read through everything. i know this is long and a bit complicated but i’ve been working so hard on this fic for 2 years. this fic was seriously my baby and a cultivation of all my strange/dark and messed up thoughts. i really hope no one took this too seriously and that you were able to separate the real members from these fictional characters. i also want to drop these hotlines for anyone that may be suffering from depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts or drug addiction. i also just want to say that i recognize that codependency is very dangerous and i hope no one thought i was romanticizing that. anyways, that’s my two cents. also jimin is my ult so i hope people know i wasn’t trying to paint him in a bad light. anyways. thank you. i love you. you’re strong. you’re amazing. love yourself, love myself, strong power thank you.

 

_National Sexual Assault Hotline 800.656.HOPE (4673)_  
Drug Abuse National Hotline 800.662.4357  
Suicide Hotline 800.SUICIDE (784.2433)  
Suicide Hotline 800.273.TALK (8255)  
Suicide Prevention Hotline 800.827.7571  
National Domestic Violence Holtline 800.799.SAFE (7233)  
Grief Share 800.395.5755  
Youth Crisis Hotline 800.448.4663  
Teen Hope Line 800.394.HOPE (4673)

 

 

 

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_more jikook[here](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1371914/1/easy-to-love-you-jimin-bts-jungkook-jikook-kookmin-jikookfluff-kookminfluff)_


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